


the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)

by lovehope



Category: Elite (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, British Slang, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fuck Canon, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Polyamory, because I'm british, but i'm not that funny, but they're the only straights i'll accept, canon is dead to me, except nadia and guzman, i just didn’t write her in idk why tbh, lu isn’t here either, mentions of mental health issues, not because i don’t like her, probably a bit OOC, samuel and cayetana aren't here because i don't like them, they just talk about sex a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 20,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovehope/pseuds/lovehope
Summary: omar: this is homophobiachristian: hoMOPHOBIACJFJDKSKSAguzman: this chat has existed for 0.2 seconds and it’s already chaoscarla: i fucking called it-a dumb elite chatfic because i’m not over s3 and how it broke my heart. now complete!
Relationships: Ander Muñoz/Omar Shana, Christian Varela Expósito/Leopoldo "Polo" Benavent Villada/Valerio Montesinos Hendrich, Guzmán Nunier Osuna/Nadia Shana, Leopoldo "Polo" Benavent Villada/Christian Varela Expósito, Leopoldo "Polo" Benavent Villada/Valerio Montesinos Hendrich, Rebeka "Rebe" de Bormujo Ávalos/Carla Rosón Caleruega
Comments: 225
Kudos: 303





	1. the chaos begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> omar sets up a groupchat, and the chaos begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi loves! 
> 
> s3 was an absolute ROLLERCOASTER and the ending hurt me so, naturally, i’m completely ignoring all sense of canon and writing this fix-it chatfic! 
> 
> the setup for this fic: this is a NO MURDER AU! imagine marina left with nano after season one, which means: polo never killed marina, therefore he isn’t dead and christian never ended up in switzerland. also, christian, polo and valerio became a throuple instead of cayetana, polo and valerio (because i said so) and guzmán, polo and ander are still best friends! basically, everything is fine and everyone loves each other! 
> 
> this follows absolutely NO CANON AT ALL, includes 484993 different headcanons i have for different characters and it’s really stupid but i hope you enjoy it anyway, i think we could all use some comedy and fluff (++ maybe just a lil bit more angst) after the whirlwind that was s3
> 
> <33

_**omar** named the chat ‘i have no idea what to call this’_

_**omar** added **ander, polo, guzman, christian, valerio, nadia, carla** & **rebe** to the chat_

omar: what’s up sluts 

ander: omar wtf

guzman: i can’t believe you actually made this 

christian: what is this and why am i here 

omar: i made a chat for us to bond 

omar: because let’s face it we’re not very good at that

guzman: man makes a good point 

rebe: valid

carla: this will be entertaining 

ander: good, so no one objects 

rebe: oh my god my phone is going to be going off nonstop

nadia: My phone is now on silent indefinitely.

ander: fair enough omar will text this chat to death 

omar: this is cyberbullying 

ander: how the fuck am i cyberbullying you i’m literally your boyfriend 

omar: i’m calling childline

christian: this literally makes no sense because you’re not a child but go off i guess 

guzman: when has omar ever said anything that makes sense lmao 

omar: hello yes childline? i’m being cyberbullied 

carla: you’re all insane 

christian: nah this is lowkey entertaining i wonder if omar is actually calling childline

ander: omg if you’re actually calling childline i’m gonna dump your ass so fast

omar: this is homophobia 

christian: hoMOPHOBIACJFJDKSKSA

guzman: this chat has existed for 0.2 seconds and it’s already chaos 

carla: i fucking called it 

valerio: what’s up whores 

valerio: what’ve i missed? 

guzman: not much, omar is threatening to call childline on ander for cyberbullying him

guzman: typical tuesday 

valerio: just the usual then 

_**valerio** named the chat ‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

christian: HAHAHAHAHAHA 

guzman: what’s up w the gc name lmao 

valerio: i wanted to make this groupchat inclusive yknow

valerio: and not make the outnumbered straights feel bad 

guzman: hold on... outnumbered? 

guzman: HOW MANY OF YOU ARE GAY? WHAT AM I MISSING? 

omar: i mean i’m gay it’s not exactly subtle

ander: and me 

valerio: i’m pan bby

guzman: okay i knew all of this already 

carla: i’m bi

ander: wait carla is bi? did anyone else know this? 

rebe: yep

guzman: you are?

carla: yes. and what of it? 

guzman: nothing lmao my best friend is bi and my other best friend is gay i literally don’t care

carla: good

christian: i mean i like girls and polo and val, i guess i’m bi? 

valerio: i mean u were acting pretty gay last night 

christian: VALERIO STFU

ander: this is chaos 

guzman: i know i’m straight and i’m pretty sure nadia is too

guzman: what about rebeca? 

rebe: girls are hot, guys are hot, everyone is hot. 

carla: period

valerio: LMAO DID CARLA REALLY JUST SAY PERIODT

guzman: fuck

omar: ?

guzman: the gays outnumber us 

valerio: like i said 

ander: HAHAHA GAYS UNITE 

carla: this is exhausting 

christian: it’s just funny i’ve been sat here laughing stupidly at my phone screen for twenty minutes 

omar: lmao same 

ander: hold on i just realised something 

guzman: ??

ander: where tf is polo

valerio: he’s sleeping

guzman: at 2pm? 

valerio: we kept him awake for a while last night ;)))))

ander: why did i even ask 

guzman: are you sure he’s okay? 

valerio: he’s fine i promise. christian help me out here?

christian: val’s right

christian: he fell asleep whilst we were watching the great british bake off so we put him to bed

ander: u were watching 

ander: the great british bake off 

valerio: ofc it’s high quality television 

christian: polo likes it and they just put a subtitled version on netflix so he doesn’t have to struggle to understand the english 

guzman: lmao you guys are so sad 

guzman: but i’m glad he’s not dead or something

guzman: get him to text when he wakes up ok? 

christian: sure :)

carla: guzman don’t be worried

carla: polo gets tired really easily when he’s watching tv

carla: he used to randomly fall asleep on me all the time 

carla: don’t be too worried about him 

guzman: weird, he never does that with me?

guzman: but thanks carla

ander: okay now that’s sorted, anyone wanna play 8ball with me over imessage? 

ander: whatsapp is so subpar for not having 8ball

guzman: absolutely not you’re fucking shit at 8ball

christian: guzman is right bro i win every time 

rebe: fat chance

rebe: i’d beat all of you with one finger and my eyes closed 

ander: sigh y’all are mean :( 

omar: i love u 

ander: :) 

guzman: gross get a r o o m 

rebe: children, behave 

christian: ohmygod

ander: okay since no one wants to play w me i’m gonna go cry in the bathroom peace out homies 

omar: andER NO

ander: andER YES 

omar: well i better go make sure he’s not actually crying in the bathroom 

omar: bye rats

omar: ander baby i l y i’m omw <33

rebe: the fucking duality 

guzman: it’s laughable 

omar: xoxo

rebe: yeah i gotta go too, mum’s yelling at me for no reason ffs

carla: bye :) x

valerio: omg guys carla emoted 

carla: fuck u val

valerio: only if you fuck rebe first

carla: ... 

carla: bye

guzman: valerio i think she’s mad at u 

valerio: nah she’s just a stone cold bitch with ice water in her veins

guzman: V A L E R I O

valerio: WHAT she said it to me herself 

valerio: plus someone has gotta get those two to take the hint 

valerio: it’s so obvious they like each other 

guzman: ... 

guzman: for once in my life i agree with you 

christian: val come downstairs i want u to make me food 

valerio: ok. fine 

christian: i luv u 

valerio: luv u too 

guzman: ugh nadia come and save me 

nadia: You’ll live.

guzman: >:(

valerio: bye my dudes 

guzman: byeeeeeee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know childline doesn’t exist in spain but i couldn’t find the spanish equivalent so just pretend it exists okAY
> 
> hope u enjoyed this chapter!


	2. things get sexual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> valerio wakes everyone up at one am to play a weirdly sexual game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! 
> 
> here’s a new chapter for u guys :) 
> 
> comments and kudos rlly keep me going so pls don’t hesitate to drop me a comment about anything! 
> 
> love y’all
> 
> (!this chapter contains a lot of sex talk and sexual themes!)

[01:03am] 

_‘the gays (+some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: let’s play a game 

omar: ma’am it is one in the morning 

valerio: uh huh 

valerio: why are you up then?? 

omar: BECAUSE YOU SET OFF MY NOTIFICATIONS U DUMBASS

valerio: oops my bad lmao 

valerio: but to be fair who sleeps with their notifications on 

omar: ...

omar: i’m going back to sleep 

valerio: omaR NOOOOOO i wanna play a game 

valerio: don’t leave me 

omar: ... you’ve woken ander up, it’s over 

ander: valerio what the fuck 

valerio: good morning 

ander: it is. 1am. 

valerio: like i said, good morning 

guzman: congratulations you’ve woken me up too 

rebe: and me u son of a bitch

carla: christ i need to turn off my notifications 

christian: val turn your brightness down it’s hurting my eyes 

guzman: you’re in the same rooM WHY DON’T U JUST TELL HIM??}*#**{

valerio: good everyone’s here 

ander: i still don’t see polo 

valerio: he’s reading the conversation over my shoulder 

valerio: okay like i said, we’re going to play a g a m e 

nadia: Hold on a second, let me switch my phone off completely so I can go back to sleep. 

valerio: sorry 4 waking u up nadia :( 

ander: HOW COME SHE GETS A SORRY AND I DON’T

valerio: because you’re a gay 

ander: homophobic 

omar: valerio what are we playing? 

valerio: it’s called ‘top or bottom?’ 

christian: i know exactly where this is going 

ander: lmao me too 

guzman: i am: lost 

omar: LMFAO STRAIGHT PEOPLE 

christian: polo is having a laughing fit 

guzman: ...

guzman: valerio, explain? 

valerio: right sure. so i’ll name someone on this groupchat

valerio: and we have to try and guess wether they’re a top or a bottom 

rebe: i’m down

rebe: i love exposing people 

carla: this is going to be entertaining 

guzman: okay i got u 

omar: you know what top and bottom mean?

guzman: yeah ander had to explain it to me a while ago 

guzman: but i know now

valerio: okay, then let’s start

valerio: who shall i pick on first... 

ander: not me u hoe

valerio: how about... ANDER 

ander: do you want this to be your funeral?

valerio: :0 scary 

valerio: but ander’s up, what does everyone think? 

rebe: hmmm... i say top 

carla: bottom. 

ander: bite me

christian: i reckon top 

guzman: yeah i’m thinking top

valerio: i think he’s a bottom, but he tops omar 

omar: should i be offended? 

valerio: don’t take it personally sweetheart ;)

omar: ):<

valerio: ander? spill.

ander: i mean you’re all technically wrong but simultaneously right?

ander: i’m a switch 

valerio: ha i was closest 

ander: i hate to admit you were 

carla: i literally cannot picture you topping 

ander: rUDE 

omar: i can 

omar: wink wonk

valerio: oKAYYYYY MOVING ON

valerio: carla’s next

carla: why.

ander: a whole ass TOP! 

omar: she can top me 

ander: omARSJFJDSKS

rebe: yeah i say top 

guzman: same 

christian: can i go wild and say switch? 

valerio: i agree with christian tbfh

christian: aw 

carla: jokes on u losers i’m a top 

valerio: with guys and girls??

carla: yep. ask polo. 

valerio: polo says ‘tell carla to shut up” 

guzman: LMAOOOOO

valerio: okay. let’s do polo next. 

christian: polo says ‘NO!’

valerio: Hchhci ksIfcncjudc a.!:8

valerio: vicjEuTjjcjfjKalll48&,’za@

christian: and now he’s trying to wrestle the phone out of valerio’s hands 

rebe: i’d PAY to watch this happening

christian: *video sent* 

ander: LMAO POLO IS GOING SICKO MODE 

ander: no one delete this video ever 

polo: this is bullying 

guzman: aha! the man of the hour! 

christian: valerio got his phone back 

valerio: i got my phone back

polo: i did not consent to this 

valerio: so guys, what do we think? is polo a top or a bottom? 

omar: i say bottom. he gives off the energy

polo: ?? 

guzman: polo you’re my best friend and i love you 

polo: :)

guzman: but you’re the biggest bottom ever

polo: wtf guzman 

valerio: wow even straight people can tell

carla: he’s a bottom. 

rebe: seconded 

valerio: and i can in fact reveal that the biggest bottom in the world award goes to...

valerio: (drumroll please)...

valerio: polo benavent villada!

polo: lies i’m a t o p 

valerio: that’s not what you we’re saying last night when you were begging me to fuck you 

christian: or when i fucked you senseless in the shower last week

omar: OHMYUCUFJJWNWHFFJJJC

guzman: I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING

ander: GET A ROOM OH MY 

carla: once a bottom always a bottom, isn’t that right polo? 

rebe: ha exposed

polo: i hate this game. 

guzman: it’s okay polo we already knew

polo: am i that obvious? 

omar: yes

ander: yes 

valerio: yes 

guzman: yes 

rebe: yes

carla: yes 

christian: yes 

polo: f i n e 

guzman: this game is weirdly entertaining, i’ve always wondered how you three make your relationship work

carla: why

valerio: it’s not actually that complicated

ander: do i want to know? 

christian: probably not, but he’s gonna tell you anyway 

valerio: right you are 

valerio: i’m a switch and christian is a top, so it’s never too hard i guess. there’s always someone who wants to fuck someone else or someone who wants to be fucked. or both. 

omar: that’s kinda hot 

ander: omAR NO 

valerio: ;)) 

ander: stop dragging my boyfriend into your polyamory 

polo: i’m too tired for this shit can we go back to bed? 

christian: yeah of course 

christian: gn guys 

valerio: guess that’s me out. this was fun guys thanks for playing gn

guzman: night 

carla: goodnight 

rebe: night carla 

ander: omar snuggle with me 

omar: ofc bby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as if polo has ever topped anyone in his life 
> 
> thanks for reading! i luv to make people laugh and i hope this fic is doing that!


	3. the video

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a video of christian going around the school (and the groupchat), and christian is not amused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi angels <3
> 
> fun fact: i’ve been watching elite since s1 was released (around october 2018) and i actually started writing this fic just after i first watched s1, but i was never happy enough with it or confident enough in my writing to post it. then, after s3 was released, i came back to it w/ new inspiration and reworked it until i had the beginnings of a fic i actually liked! 
> 
> this means i have a few prewritten chapters ready to go, so i’m gonna post those and then start writing my new chapters! i have so many ideas i can’t wait to write lmao. 
> 
> enjoy lovelies!

[3:42pm]

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

ander: HOLY SHIT 

omar: ?? 

ander: HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE VIDEO

omar: ander literally what the fuck are you talking about 

ander: SOMEONE FILMED CHRISTIAN IN THE LOCKER ROOM 

omar: that doesn’t sound that interesting

ander: HE’S SHIRTLESS AND DANCING TO LADY GAGA 

omar: SEND. IT. 

christian: ANDER WHERE DID U GET THAT VIDEO

ander: guzman sent it to me oN SNAPCHAT LMFAOOOOO

christian: GUZMAN COME HERE NOW 

guzman: yes? 

christian: WHERE DID U GET THAT VIDEO 

guzman: idk someone airdropped it to me in fifth period 

guzman: you’ve gotta admit it’s pretty hilarious 

christian: i am NOT laughing >:(

omar: ander SEND IT I HAVE TO SEE THIS 

christian: ander i am warning u 

ander: sorry babes 

ander: *video sent* 

christian: there goes my pride 

ander: what pride? 

omar: OH DAMN CHRISTIAN GOT MOVES 

christian: thank u? 

rebe: well i’m never going to unsee that 

carla: hey at least u look good shirtless 

christian: i mean you’re not wrong ;) 

omar: ugh polo and valerio come collect your man 

valerio: hola muchachos 

valerio: damn i always miss the fun stuff 

guzman: welcome to chaos

valerio: CHRISTIANHCHDJEJS HOW COME I’VE NEVER SEEN U DANCE LIKE THAT 

christian: lady gaga can do that to u 

valerio: valid 

christian: i just wish i knew who filmed that video 

ander: sorry man i’ve got no clue 

rebe: beats me 

carla: i did

guzman: CARLA??

christian: CARLA WHY 

carla: payback for when u filmed me drunk-crying over timotheé chalamet 

christian: oh my god i forgot about that

ander: NOW I NEED TO SEE THAT

omar: SAME 

carla: christian NO

christian: :p

christian: *video sent*

valerio: ‘how can one man be so attractive?’ I FELT THAT 

omar: ‘how is he cute AND hot at the same time.’ I MEAN SHE’S NOT WRONGDHDHDJA

rebe: how do u have tears streaming down your face yet u still look cute? 

carla: aw you’re cuter

omar: this is adorable 

omar: i mean what

rebe: shut up omar 

omar: kiss my ass

guzman: hey be nice 

rebe: this is us being nice 

guzman: okay??? 

ander: yikes i have so much homework to do 

ander: and i’m so shite at chemistry as well 

carla: do you want me to facetime you and help?

ander: omg yes pls carla i love u 

carla: you owe me 

ander: sure babes 

omar: omg can i join? 

carla: you need help with chemistry? 

omar: nah i just have fomo

carla: fine 

ander: okay see y’all later 

valerio: byeeeeeeydhhdjs 

guzman: yeah i gotta go study up for the maths exam next week 

rebe: adios

christian: hey val 

valerio: yh? 

christian: wanna fuck? 

rebe: gross i’m out 

valerio: it’s 3pm 

christian: i know 

valerio: okay fine 

valerio: but only if you promise to make me something resembling dinner after 

christian: deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> christian listens to lady gaga don’t argue with me! i stand by that headcanon! 
> 
> thanks for reading xo


	4. polo’s interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> valerio is stressed about studying and interesting revelations about polo’s whereabouts arise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hola! this chapter is a bit longer to make up for the shortness of the previous chapter :)) 
> 
> this is a lil bit angsiter than previous chapters, (possible tw for mentions of depression and anxiety) but it’s still pretty lighthearted (i hope)
> 
> enjoy!

[8:02pm] 

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: that’s it i am fucked 

christian: in more ways than one 

valerio: christian stfu

carla: pay no attention to christian

christian: :( 

carla: what’s up? 

valerio: martin gave me detention for texting in class 

carla: and? you’ve had plenty of detentions you’ll manage

valerio: noooo u don’t understand 

valerio: we have a math test on friday and i’m not gonna have any time to study :( 

carla: since when did you care about studying? 

valerio: polo convinced me that it was worth it to start trying

valerio: and i don’t wanna let him down 

omar: aw that’s kind of adorable 

omar: also hi 

christian: hi hi hi 

valerio: not now christian this is a crisis 

carla: hardly 

omar: just study now? 

valerio: i can’t 

carla: why not? 

valerio: because i’m gay and lazy

omar: mood 

carla: you are a lost cause 

guzman: hi guys 

omar: heyo 

ander: freddie mercury type beat 

valerio: he said ‘ey-oh’ you idiot 

ander: close enough 

guzman: it’s okay we’re all gonna fail that math test 

guzman: idk about you but i have no idea how to do fucking binomial expansion 

christian: neither 

valerio: chris you can barely count to ten 

christian: r00d 

guzman: okay i have to ask 

omar: shoot 

guzman: i don’t wanna seem like a worried mum 

guzman: but i’m worried about polo 

guzman: i didn’t see him at school today and he hasn’t been online in a while 

valerio: dude don’t worry he’s okay 

guzman: can you tell me what’s going on with him? 

ander: ngl i’m worried too 

valerio: i gotta ask him if it’s okay for me to tell you, one second 

valerio: okay all good he says i can tell you

guzman: ? 

valerio: he had a really bad panic attack yesterday evening so he took today off school 

guzman: shit i had no idea he was getting worse 

christian: yeah he’s not doing so hot right now 

valerio: his anxiety keeps sending him into depressive episodes which is why he’s not online much 

ander: fuck i had no idea...

omar: has he been like this for a while? 

carla: he’s had anxiety problems since he was twelve but it’s never been this bad 

valerio: he’s on medication but it’s not working as well as it used to either :/

omar: fuck 

omar: that must be hard, i’m sorry 

valerio: don’t be, it’s not your fault 

guzman: is it okay for me to come over and see him? 

ander: can i come too? 

christian: i’ll ask him brb

christian: he says you can come over after school tomorrow if you want :) 

guzman: tell him i’ll be there 

valerio: he says he’s looking forward to seeing you and that he’s sorry for making you worry 

guzman: tell him it’s not a problem, i’ll always be there for him 

guzman: and valerio and christian? thanks for taking care of him :)

christian: it’s no problem, i love him 

valerio: me too 

omar: this is fckin adorable

ander: i’m coming too, tell him i’ll bring him oreos and some weed 

valerio: that’s a banging combination 

omar: any particular reason for the oreos?

ander: he loves oreos 

carla: he loves oreos 

valerio: he loves oreos 

christian: he loves oreos 

guzman: he loves oreos 

omar: OKAY I GET IT HE LOVES OREOS 

omar: i love the mint ones 

ander: ew fucking gross we’re breaking up 

christian: HAHAHAHAHA 

valerio: the mint ones are disgusting omar is invalid 

omar: why do you all love bullying me so much 

ander: you’re an easy target 

guzman: because you like mint oreos 

omar: OH MY GODDDDDD

valerio: the double oreos are superior 

christian: valerio’s rude

ander: LMFAO YOU’RE NOT WRONG

valerio: HUH???? 

christian: *** RIGHT 

christian: sorry, autocorrect 

valerio: always be aware of autocorrect 

omar: OMG BE MORE CHILL

christian: stop. quoting musicals

guzman: ?? 

carla: ?? 

omar: be more chill. it’s a musical 

guzman: ohhhhhhh

valerio: sorry, would you like me to start quoting hamilton instead? 

ander: NO 

omar: YES 

christian: NO OMAR DON’T SET HIM OFF

valerio: alexander hamilton 

omar: my name is alexander hamilton 

valerio: and there’s a million things i haven’t done 

omar: BUT JUST U WAIT 

valerio: jUST U WAITTTTTTTTTTT

guzman: i never had you pinned as a theatre kid valerio 

valerio: are u kidding me i’m a whore for musicals 

omar: omg i have found my soulmate 

ander: EXCUSE ME???? 

omar: sorry ander it’s over 

ander: i am in physical pain

valerio: bye christian, bye polo xo 

christian: >:( 

guzman: okay i’ve really gotta go study for this maths test now 

guzman: bye losers 

christian: byeeeee

carla: bye 

omar: bye bye 

ander: bye <333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for making polo suffer! but his anxiety disorder is canon and i barely have any canon in this at all so let me have some :p i’m definitely not projecting onto polo or anything :p
> 
> hope u enjoyed, more dumb humour coming your way next chapter!!


	5. ander has an idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the group discuss what to do over spring break. it’s chaotic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the fluff and humour train, toot toot!
> 
> this chapter is based on a real conversation i had with some of my friends lmaoooo.
> 
> hope u enjoy loves!

[10:24pm] 

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

ander: we’ve gotta do something mad over spring break 

valerio: two words: theme. park. 

omar: YES 

rebe: Y E S 

ander: lmao guzman hates rollercoasters 

guzman: lies 

ander: that’s not what you said when polo and i forced you onto the tower of terror at disneyland a few years ago

guzman: okay. maybe i am a bit scared of rollercoasters 

guzman: but nadia will hold my hand 

nadia: Sure. If that will make you brave enough to go on one. 

guzman: !!<3 

omar: that is so BABY

ander: okay bitches we’re going to a theme park

valerio: omg we should all get illegal tattoos

valerio: and do a shit ton of cocaine 

valerio: and burn down a church

valerio: and go on a picnic 

ander: yes to ALL of that 

christian: val how high are you right now 

valerio: high enough bby xo

omar: i’m down for the picnic but i draw the line at cocaine 

christian: illegal tattoos hell yes

rebe: fuck yeah let’s burn down a church

omar: jesus what’s wrong with you guys 

valerio: let’s assassinate donald trump and receive the 8 mil bounty put on him by iran

guzman: VALERIO— 

ander: bitches gettin COIN!!! 

carla: oh my god what is happening 

omar: i wish i knew 

polo: i have an idea 

ander: omg polo!! 

guzman: hey polito

guzman: what’s up? 

guzman: how’re you doing? 

rebe: yeah, how are you? 

polo: a lil better, thanks for asking :) 

carla: glad to hear it 

valerio: hi bby 

polo: hi cute curls 

omar: AW 

christian: hey i’m being left out here >:( 

polo: christian

christian: yeah? 

polo: ily 

christian: :) 

ander: my gay ass lil heart is so happy rn 

guzman: anyway polo, you said you had an idea? 

polo: yep yep 

ander: okay spill 

polo: we should all have

polo: one

polo: massive 

polo: sleepover 

omar: oh my god i am SO DOWN 

ander: hell yes i want to eat my own bodyweight in popcorn

guzman: we have to do this it’ll be so funny 

carla: i’m in 

rebe: me too 

valerio: ofc i’m coming 

christian: fuck it, me too 

nadia: Oh why not?

polo: yay! :D 

guzman: so, whose house? 

polo: not mine unless we want my mums hovering around us the whole time :/

guzman: i’m out too 

valerio: what about rebe? her mum would probably be calm 

rebe: yeah sure that’s fine 

rebe: there’s enough space and i can get my mum to fuck off 

omar: okay that’s settled 

valerio: hold on! 

guzman: what’s up? 

valerio: we’ve gotta pick movies to watch 

ander: oh yeah of course 

valerio: okay everyone start throwing out suggestions 

omar: CLUELESS 

valerio: i mean i know you are but that’s not what i asked 

omar: haha very funny 

omar: but let’s watch clueless 

ander: NO 

guzman: wait why not i love clueless 

ander: omar has made me watch that damn movie eight. times. 

omar: and u love it every time 

ander: if i have to watch it one more time i WILL jump off the school roof 

valerio: jeez okay no clueless then 

valerio: let’s watch the lorax 

rebe: that movie creeps me out so much 

polo: no i love it

christian: and it’s thanks to you two that i know all the words to let it grow 

carla: how can you guys watch that movie it literally disturbs me 

polo: it should’ve won an oscar 

rebe: no it fucking shouldn’t

polo: fight me 

ander: okay what about sharknado

omar: SH SH SH SH SH SH SHARKNADO

guzman: absolutely not those movies are the PITS of cinema 

valerio: excuse me mr critic 

carla: we are NOT watching sharknado 

ander: okay sharknado 2 

guzman: NO 

valerio: SHARKNADO 3

omar: jesus how many are there 

ander: there’s like sixFJCJJCFNC

rebe: n o 

polo: hey what about thor ragnarok 

christian: polo no you can’t force your marvel movie agenda on everyone 

polo: try me bitch 

carla: he made me watch them all when we were about thirteen lmao 

polo: they’re so GOOD 

omar: he’s not wrong 

omar: thor ragnarok is god tier 

polo: look, an intellectual 

valerio: how about we watch a disney movie?

christian: i love big hero 6

ander: SAME SAME SAME

guzman: that’s one of my favourites

rebe: me too, actually

omar: that is also god tier

carla: i’ve never seen it

polo: SERIOUSLY? 

carla: no?

valerio: okay that settles it we’re watching big hero 6 no objections 

ander: this is gonna be SO FCKIN FUN

omar: i can’t wait 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay that’s it for my prewritten chapters! 
> 
> i hope you’re all enjoying reading this, i love you guys so much <3


	6. the sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s time for the sleepover, and it’s as chaotic as you’d imagine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i _know_ i said updates are on sundays but england has just closed all schools and cancelled all exams because of miss rona so guess who’s stuck at home with nothing to do!! i have so much more time to spend writing this now :D 
> 
> i also LOVE writing this fic so much and i’m really motivated at the moment! it genuinely makes me happy to write! 
> 
> so SURPRISE!! here’s an update today, and there’ll probably a few more this week. i definitely shouldn’t have set myself an update schedule i knew i’d never stick to it hahahah.
> 
> anyways, enjoy this chapter my dudes, it’s an eventful one. it follows directly on from the previous chapter :p

[09:37pm] 

_‘the gays (+some non gays hi non gays)’_

omar: ander where the fuck are you 

ander: ?? 

omar: you’re not serious right now 

ander: WHAT am i missing? 

omar: WE’VE BEEN AT REBE’S HOUSE FOR HALF AN HOUR WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU 

omar: there did that help re-jog your memory?

ander: ohhhhhhhhh fuck 

valerio: oh fuck indeed 

ander: i COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THE SLEEPOVERDHCHCJDJ

guzman: well GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE 

guzman: polo looks like he’s about to cry because you’re not here

guzman: plus christian and valerio have already eaten half of the snacks and it’s only been thirty seven goddamn minutes 

ander: POLO I’M SORRY I’M ON MY WAY NOW 

omar: hurry up >:(

ander: I PROMISE I’M UNCEREMONIOUSLY SHOVELLING SHIT INTO A BAG AS WE SPEAK

rebe: bring some snacks if you can idfk if these are gonna last 

ander: does weed count as snacks? 

omar: no 

valerio: yes 

rebe: sigh

rebe: also valerio stop seeing how many pretzels you can shove into your mouth at once 

valerio: no 

rebe: you’re a lost cause my friend 

ander: oh my god do i even want to come 

omar: if you don’t get over here now, you’re sleeping next to valerio 

ander: what’s so bad about that? 

omar: he snores like a fucking jet engine

ander: OKAY OKAY I’M COMING

\- 

[10:48pm] 

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

polo: carla get off your phone 

carla: but i hate this movie 

polo: well i hate people going on their phones during movies 

carla: you are. literally on yours right now 

polo: tootsie

polo: **touché LMFAOOOOOO

carla: this is more entertaining than the movie itself 

polo: how could you say that

carla: i specifically said i DON’T WANT TO WATCH THE LORAX 

ander: you two

ander: STOP TEXTING 

ander: all i can hear is rapid vibrations coming from either side of the sofa you sound like electric toothbrushes 

valerio: or vibrators 

ander: VALERIO YOU ARE NOT HELPING 

christian: okay EVERYONE OFF YOUR PHONES RIGHT NOW OR I WILL 

ander: you’ll what? 

christian: i’ll 

christian: put ice in your sleeping bags 

valerio: that’s kinda hot 

christian: i’ll add that to my mental list of ‘valerio’s kinks.’ 

valerio: ;)

ander: yikes okay i’m going

–

[02:37am] 

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: yo 

ander: it’s 2020 who says ‘yo’ in 2020 

valerio: me 

valerio: i also say l8r sk8r

ander: i’m gonna be sick 

ander: also why are u texting the gc we’re all in the same room lmao 

valerio: i don’t wanna wake up nadia and guzman they look so cute and cosy snuggled up on the couch 

ander: omg send a pic i can’t see omar is blocking my view with his massive head 

valerio: HAHA I JUST SAW HIM ELBOW YOU 

ander: shut up 

valerio: *photo sent* 

ander: omg you’re right they look so cute 

valerio: they’re the only straights i’ll accept 

valerio: ALSO

valerio: look to your left 

valerio: at carla and rebe 

ander: oh my god 

ander: OH MY GOD 

ander: ARE THEY SPOONING? 

valerio: YES ISN’T IT SO CUTE 

ander: MY GAY HEART

ander: never thought that rebe would be the little spoon but here we are 

ander: what a world we live in

valerio: how are they not a couple already? 

ander: they really need to take a fucking hint

ander: on another note i’m pretty some people are missing? 

valerio: polo and christian 

ander: you know where they are? 

valerio: pretty sure they’re having sex in rebe’s mum’s bedroom 

ander: LMAO YOU’RE NOT SERIOUS 

valerio: when am i ever not serious 

ander: valerio you are the least serious person i have ever met

ander: the school could be burning to the ground and you’d be instagram live-streaming the whole thing

valerio: you make a valid point 

valerio: i might go join polo and christian

valerio: having sex in my friend’s mum’s bed sounds kinda hot 

ander: i worry about you sometimes 

ander: how many weird kinks can one person have? 

valerio: don’t u worry your pretty little head my friend

valerio: go to sleeeeeeep 

ander: okay fine gnight 

ander: hope it’s fun having sex in rebe’s mum’s bed 

valerio: i’ll fill you in when i get back 

ander: yeah no thanks 

—

[6:30am]

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

omar: GOOD MORNING 

ander: GO BACK TO SLEEP IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THIS SHIT 

omar: yikes why are you so grumpy 

ander: you don’t even want to know 

omar: oh yes i do 

ander: you really don’t 

ander: but fine

ander: i was awake half the night because SOME PEOPLE don’t know how to HAVE SEX QUIETLY 

ander: *cough cough*

ander: POLO, CHRISTIAN AND VALERIO.

christian: lmfao sorry my bad

ander: YES. YES IT IS YOUR BAD. 

ander: i really didn’t need to know how much polo likes to be choked at 4am thank you very much 

omar: hot 

ander: OMAR

omar: sorry carry on

christian: yeah shit sorry dude we got a bit carried away 

ander: TOO RIGHT 

ander: anyway, i’m exhausted 

christian: is anyone else awake down there? 

ander: guzman must be, he’s not on the sofa with nadia anymore 

nadia: He’s making everyone breakfast. 

ander: aw! that’s so sweet! 

ander: mood: improved 

nadia: Guzman just texted me to wake everyone up, but I get the feeling that Carla and Rebe don’t want to be disturbed.

omar: i mean, they do look comfy 

omar: and... super cute together 

ander: okay, no one wake them up 

nadia: Okay, they are cute. 

nadia: But they’re not as cute as me and Guzman. 

ander: DAMN NADIA! 

omar: my sister is SAVAGE

christian: lmao you just ROASTED THEM HARDDDDD

nadia: I feel kind of bad now :(. 

ander: no don’t WE LOVE YOU ROASTING PEOPLE! 

ander: go off queen! 

nadia: :) 

nadia: Also, breakfast is ready! 

christian: i’m gonna come down and set off an airhorn to wake everyone up 

ander: oh my god no

omar: where the fuck did you get an airhorn and why do you have one? 

christian: why _don’t_ you have one? 

omar: fair enough 

ander: christian NO do NOT 

christian: try and stop me :p 

omar: rip my eardrums 

christian: here we go lmaoooo 

omar: oh god

ander: THAT WAS SO FUCKING LOUD DUMBASS

omar: christian you better run 

christian: ? 

omar: carla looks like she’s about to murder someone 

carla: i am 

carla: his name is christian 

christian: well shit 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was super fun write lmao, next chapter is coming soon! 
> 
> hope you enjoyed, comments + kudos greatly appreciated <33


	7. revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s the evening after the sleepover, and events of the previous evening and night begin to unfold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise! here’s ANOTHER update because i’ve got so much free time to write now! this chapter follows directly on from the previous one :p 
> 
> enjoy lads xo

[7:24pm]

  
_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: last night was some WILD shit 

valerio: i can’t even remember half of it 

ander: probably because you were high as balls 

christian: at one point i swear i heard you trying to have a conversation with a doorknob 

rebe: i think i heard you say ‘what would happen if i ate a bus?’ 

valerio: jesus christ

valerio: anything else you want to tell me that i can’t remember? 

carla: you knocked three potted plants over in the span of about two minutes 

rebe: you ate an entire jar of olives with your hands

polo: at one point you were just crying in the corner of the living room, hugging a pillow and mumbling about how you wanted to hug harry styles 

polo: which is pretty relatable i’ll be honest 

ander: that sounds like a twitter post

polo: i’ve definitely done that before

valerio: sounds like it was wild as fuck

valerio: cannot believe i did all that

valerio: i can remember texting ander at like two in the morning 

ander: and then you went to have sex with your boyfriends in rebe’s mum’s room

rebe: you fucking WHAT??? 

ander: ooops 

polo: was it a secret? 

rebe: well _i_ didn’t know?? 

christian: lmao sorry 

rebe: at least it wasn’t my bed 

carla: lmao 

valerio: i mean i don’t regret it it was good sex 

ander: i— 

polo: i’ll take that as a compliment? 

christian: me too? 

valerio: of course ;))) 

valerio: thanks rebe 

rebe: no problem?? 

guzman: hey guys 

polo: heyyy 

ander: omg ‘hey’ with three ‘y’s

ander: someone’s feeling spicy

polo: what does that even mean

ander: i have no idea at this point i have a massive hangover and nothing is coherent 

polo: fair enough 

guzman: last night was so much fun

guzman: although i think someone threw up in rebe’s bush 

rebe: i’m disappointed but not surprised 

polo: yikes i’m pretty sure that was me, sorry 

polo: i have a horrible alcohol tolerance 

rebe: don’t worry it’s okay i forgive u 

guzman: at least you didn’t throw up on anyone

polo: ... 

guzman: did you??

valerio: yes he did. 

guzman: ?? 

valerio: on ME

polo: i said sorry :( 

valerio: i know it’s okay bby 

polo: :) 

guzman: yikes

guzman: also i was scrolling up the chat 

guzman: that picture of me and nadia is pretty cute not gonna lie 

omar: you two are literally the biggest cuties ever 

christian: how are you so cute even when you’re asleep? 

christian: i’m pretty sure i look like the grinch when i’m asleep 

valerio: no u look cute 

polo: no u look cute 

christian: i love u both 

ander: AWWWWWW

ander: this is so heartwarmingly cute i feel a lil sick 

ander: maybe it’s just the hangover 

valerio: there’s something else i wanna address

omar: ? 

valerio: involving carla and rebe 

carla: ? 

rebe: ? 

valerio: you two were looking pretty cosy together last night ;)) 

carla: uhhhhh 

rebe: we were just cuddling 

valerio: sure 

carla: ... 

rebe: ...

carla: okay fine 

carla: the gig is up

carla: rebe and i have something we want to tell you 

rebe: we do? 

carla: yes.

ander: i know where this is going but go on... :) 

carla: we’re dating 

omar: AW AW AW i’m so happy for u!! 

valerio: ABOUT TIME!

ander: YESSS THE GAYS WIN 

polo: you guys are so cute, i’m so happy for you both :) 

guzman: congrats! 

guzman: the gays continue to outnumber the straights hahah 

nadia: Congratulations you two <3\. 

carla: thanks guys :) 

rebe: i mean it took us so long to take a hint lmao 

valerio: you’re telling us 

rebe: pfffttt

rebe: we actually hooked up for the first time last night 

guzman: you did?! 

carla: it was kinda spontaneous 

rebe: but i don’t regret it 

carla: oh absolutely not :) 

omar: this reminds me of ander and me in the good old days 

ander: we got together two years ago 

omar: like i said. the good old days. 

ander: i am NOT old >:( 

guzman: oh lord here we go

guzman: rebe and carla i’m very happy for you and congratulations

guzman: but i’m gonna go now 

guzman: before this escalates

guzman: bye :D

carla: thanks guzman :)

rebe: byeeeee

polo: i’m out too, gotta go get some sleep before i collapse :/

valerio: me too omg 

christian: me three 

carla: bye guys

rebe: i’m off too, i’m tired as fuck 

rebe: gnight 

carla: hey rebe? 

rebe: mhm? 

carla: goodnight <3 

rebe: :) 

rebe: night <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the shortness of this chapter :/ but the next chapter will feature a guznadia + omander double date so look forward to that! 
> 
> also! rebe & carla are finally together!! i love them so much! s3 really had so much potential for their relationship. wasted potential :/
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed this chapter, love y’all <33


	8. double date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> omar, ander, nadia and guzman all go on a double date and some unexpected events occur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi loves! i hope you’re all doing well, and if you’re in quarantine i hope you’re keeping yourselves busy and staying healthy :)
> 
> i’m back w the promised chapter! it’s pretty long and i did consider splitting it into two but in the end i thought fuck it, it can just be one super long chapter :p hope it makes u laugh! 
> 
> enjoy bbys.

[5:34pm] 

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

guzman: what’s up guys? 

omar: not much wbu? 

guzman: i’m just lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and having an existential crisis 

omar: omg i do that! 

guzman: fr like why do we exist 

nadia: Weirdly I think about that all the time as well.

nadia: And it’s funny because we’ll never have the real answer. 

omar: we must have been put on this planet for a reason? 

nadia: I’d like to think so. 

guzman: true! 

guzman: like shit, we can’t just be here purposelessly can we? 

nadia: Honestly that’s a terrifying thought. 

omar: hopefully we’ll find out when we die

ander: can you guys stop pondering the meaning of life for one second and help me pick out what to wear tonight? 

omar: are you seriously not ready yet?

omar: i’m coming to pick you up in ten minutes

ander: well while you guys have been having an existential crisis, i’ve been having a wardrobe crisis

guzman: just ander things™

ander: shut up i am on the verge of tears 

nadia: We can’t help you if we don’t see your options.

ander: thank u nadia the voice of reason

nadia: I try.

ander: okay here’s what i have going 

ander: *photo sent*

ander: *photo sent*

ander: *photo sent* 

ander: thoughts? 

omar: i mean the first one makes your butt look cute 

ander: aw ily

omar: <3

guzman: i’m not a fashion expert but i like the third one 

ander: i mean you have eyes and you can see things so i value your opinion

guzman: thanks? 

nadia: I think the second one brings out the colour of your eyes nicely.

nadia: The third one accentuates your waist well and makes your shoulders look sculpted.

nadia: And, I hate to agree with Omar, but he’s right. 

nadia: The the first one makes your butt look cute. 

omar: SEE? 

ander: stop i’m blushing

ander: i think i might have to go with the first one 

ander: thank u legends 

nadia: No problem.

valerio: whaddup sluts 

polo: hey gays

guzman: hey guys

valerio: what’ve we missed? 

nadia: Ander, Omar, Guzman and I are going on a double date tonight. 

valerio: AWWWWW that’s so CUTE 

nadia: It is, isn't it. 

guzman: it was my idea 

valerio: you know it’s tacky to take credit for things 

guzman: i—

valerio: SO! 

valerio: where are y’all going? 

ander: some fancy restaurant downtown 

ander: i have no idea guzman picked it 

omar: stop texting get dressed 

valerio: oooo well i hope you guys have fun!! 

guzman: thank u :) 

valerio: although i’m kind of offended polo christian and i weren’t invited >:( 

guzman: well...

valerio: don’t worry! i was joking!

guzman: actually, we did consider inviting you but we weren’t sure how easy it would be with the three of you...

polo: it’s okay we get it 

polo: we don’t actually do many public dates, especially not in restaurants

polo: it’s can be hard enough dating another guy, let alone explaining to people that all three of us are dating each other 

guzman: :(

guzman: i feel so bad :( i’m sorry :( 

omar: i get how hard it can be to go out as a same sex couple, i can’t even imagine how hard it must be for the three of you :( 

valerio: don’t worry about it! yeah it’s not ideal but what can we do 

polo: for now we can just stick to movie night dates and stuff 

nadia: For the record, you guys have one of the cutest relationships out of everyone I know. 

valerio: aw! thanks nads 

nadia: It’s true. 

valerio: <3 

valerio: you guys go have fun! send pics! 

guzman: we will! 

nadia: See you guys later! 

omar: ander, i’m on my way to pick you up 

omar: you better be ready.

-

[7:30pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

guzman: *photo sent*

carla: aw it looks like you guys are having so much fun 

guzman: we are :p 

guzman: the only time it got weird was when the waiter asked who was dating who

ander: and initially thought that guzman and i were dating

polo: omg no that’s hilarious

polo: what did you say?

ander: well i played along

guzman: i TOLD HIM NOT TO

guzman: IT WAS NOT FUNNY

omar: yes it was

nadia: Can you guys stop texting at the table?

guzman: sorry nads, just filling everyone in

polo: give me more details 

ander: the waiter told us we made a cute couple 

polo: LMFAO I’M DEAD

omar: i was trying so hard not to laugh 

ander: then he walked away and came back with a bottle of champagne 

carla: and?

omar: wait for it 

ander: MADE A TOAST TO ME AND GUZMAN

polo: NO WAY THAT’S SOF UNNY

carla: please tell me someone filmed this? 

omar: *video sent*

polo: GUZMAN’S FACE I’M SCREAMINGXHDJW

carla: omar looks like he’s a second away from crying with laughter 

guzman: it was NOT funny

omar: it was SO FUNNY PLS

polo: but other than that it’s going okay? 

guzman: so far yes

carla: good you guys deserve it

carla: oh also i forgot to mention

carla: *photo sent*

carla: i’m with rebe right now, coincidentally we’re on a date too

ander: AWWWW 

omar: why are you guys the cutest couple ever

ander: excuse me 

omar: i was joking, we’re cuter 

carla: rude 

ander: aw 

ander: okay we’ve got to get back to our meal nadia keeps giving me death stares

guzman: update you later! 

polo: see u 

polo: looks like you and rebe are having fun :)

carla: yeah, we’re just on the sofa watching mean girls and eating our way through bags of skittles 

polo: living the ultimate dream 

polo: okay i’ll leave you guys to your adorable dates and go back to lying on my bed alone 

carla: polo wait

polo: ?

carla: you’re alone? where are christian and valerio? 

polo: well 

polo: christian is working tonight 

polo: and i was meant to see val but he bailed on me last minute 

carla: that’s sounds shitty i’m sorry :(

polo: hey it’s okay i’m sure he had something important he needed to do 

carla: hey that’s not an excuse, he’s your boyfriend and he should make time for you 

polo: carla can we just leave it 

polo: i’m fine 

carla: i can tell that’s not true but okay

polo: i’m going to take a nap

carla: sure

-

[8:23pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

guzman: POLO

guzman: POLO BENAVENT

guzman: LEOPOLDO BENAVENT VILLADA 

guzman: COME HERE RIGHT NOW IT’S URGENT 

polo: what is it guzman i’m not in the mood 

polo: especially not for you calling me leopoldo

guzman: NO I PROMISE YOU WILL BE FOR THIS

guzman: *video sent* 

polo: ...

polo: are you serious right now 

guzman: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM

guzman: YOUR BOYFRIENDS REALLY CAME ALL THE WAY HERE AND BOOKED THE TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO US SO YOU COULD JOIN US 

valerio: i could see you were sad about the three of us never going proper dates so i called christian and we agreed you deserved a proper date

christian: WE deserved a proper date :) 

polo: ... oh my god 

polo: what the FUCJCKCJJDJS

polo: i’m SO SORRY for being mad earlier 

valerio: hey it’s okay it’s totally understandable 

valerio: but get over here soon! 

valerio: before christian eats everything 

polo: OKAY OKAY I’M ON MY WAY

polo: TEXT ME THE ADDRESS 

polo: for the record guzman i’m sorry they crashed your double date it’s impossible to control them 

guzman: hey the more the merrier 

guzman: also it’s funny watching the waiter try and comprehend the fact that MORE people keep showing up 

ander: he looks so confused 

omar: it’s hilarious 

polo: i can’t wait tO SEE THIS LMFAO

polo: thank you so much for this guys 

valerio: it’s no problem 

valerio: we just wanted to make you smile, we love you so much 

polo: i love you both more

-

[11:04pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

carla: so? how was it?

polo: a m a z i n g 

ander: christian ate so fucking much it was mental 

christian: hey, it was all you can eat 

carla: valid 

nadia: It was honestly so much fun. 

guzman: i’m so glad we did it 

nadia: Carla and Rebe, you’re invited next time. 

carla: we’ll definitely take you up on that :) 

polo: thanks for letting us crash your date guys 

omar: no problem! 

ander: it just made it even more entertaining tbh 

ander: when christian walked the whole way to the bathroom with his napkin stuck to his crotch? 

omar: I COULDN’T BREaTHE

valerio: and when guzman accidentally knocked nadia in the boob? 

polo: and everyone saw? 

ander: HILARIOUS! 

guzman: i’m still sorry about that :( 

nadia: Don’t worry; it was funny after the pain.

christian: LMAOOOO

ander: OMG AND WHEN THE WAITER CAUGHT NADIA MAKING OUT WITH GUZMAN BY THE BATHROOM? 

omar: and he lOOKED SO CONFUSED BECAUSE HE THOUGHT GUZMAN WAS DATING ANDER? 

nadia: Omg don’t remind me. 

polo: I AM WEAK

guzman: okay that was pretty funny 

carla: this sounds so chaotic 

ander: it rlly was 

polo: i can’t thank you enough for tonight, it was one of the best nights of my life 

valerio: aw bby! 

guzman: thanks for coming even if it was a lil sudden 

christian: we’ve gotta do it again 

ander: for sure 

ander: but right now i’m drunk and tired and i want to sleep 

ander: so gn! i love you guys so fuckin much 

omar: love u bby gn 

polo: goodnight guys <3

valerio: goodnight i love you 

christian: i love you too 

guzman: goodnight! 

guzman: night nadia 

guzman: i love you 

nadia: I love you too, goodnight.

carla: that was the mushiest and sweetest thing i’ve ever read

carla: i love you guys so much 

carla: goodnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip to the waiter who saw too much that night lmaoooo. 
> 
> i hope y’all enjoyed this chapter! i’ll probably update a couple of times next week since i’m stuck at home for the foreseeable future. but at least it gives me time to write this fic! 
> 
> i also have a few ideas for a polovalerio fic in the works right now so that might be coming soon too :p
> 
> drop me a comment and tell me what you thought if you like, or just talk to me about life! i love talking to you guys about literally anything :D


	9. high school musical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a relaxed little catch up conversation between our favourite (chaotic) group of friends. oh, and omar wants to watch high school musical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! 
> 
> i hope everyone’s doing okay! we’re living through some scary and weird times right now, and i know it sucks. but in the meantime just relax and take care of yourselves <3
> 
> with that said, i hope you enjoy this chapter. it’s quite short and a bit filler-y but i honestly had such a laugh writing it, and i’m pretty much living vicariously through all these characters right now because i’m in such desperate need of social interaction lmao.

[08:46pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: i’m so fuckin bored right now 

ander: ugh same

omar: ander what the fuck i’m sitting right next to you 

valerio: YIKES

ander: you’re making us watch brooklyn nine nine for the thirteenth time and you’re literally reciting the entire script as we watch it

omar: that’s all part of the fun >:( 

ander: ur so annoying 

omar: but u love it ;) 

valerio: i can’t tell wether this is cute or just kinda weird 

guzman: a mix of both 

guzman: hey guys 

valerio: hey guzaboy

ander: what’s up? 

guzman: nadia’s over at my place, we’re on a ‘date’

omar: OHHH THAT’S WHERE SHE WENT 

nadia: I _did_ text you saying where I was going? 

omar: you said you were going to a friends house to study 

omar: who the fuck studies during spring break? 

nadia: Have you met me?

guzman: studying? god no

guzman: we’re making brownies and watching next in fashion

ander: HAHA I LOVE NEXT IN FASHION 

ander: tan france is an icon 

omar: that doesn’t sound like ‘going to a friend’s house to study’ to me, nadia

nadia: Oh save it.

nadia: Like you haven’t used the exact same excuse a billion times. 

omar: touché 

valerio: HELLO?!

guzman: WHAT

valerio: IS EVERYONE JUST GOING TO IGNORE MY PROBLEMS?

valerio: someone give me something to do before i actually lose my mind

ander: come and save me from omar and his b99 reruns 

omar: RUDE

valerio: nah that sounds like a you problem not a me problem

omar: also, RUDE

carla: first of all, hello

carla: and valerio

carla: how come you’re not hanging out with either of your boyfriends if you’re that bored?

valerio: they’re both busy :(

valerio: christian’s at a photoshoot for a magazine cover courtesy of polo’s mums

guzman: omg that’s sick 

guzman: he deserves that for real

ander: christian would make such such a good model 

ander: that b o d y 

omar: agreed 

carla: well, christian is always saying he wants to be famous for doing nothing 

valerio: LMAO

carla: what about polo? 

valerio: he’s at therapy 

valerio: i’m gonna go pick him up in half an hour but until then i have nothing! to! do! 

carla: oh no. how sad. 

guzman: how’s polo doing lately val? 

guzman: he seemed super happy at the restaurant the other night 

valerio: yeah, he’s doing better than he was about a month ago

valerio: less panic attacks and less days where he doesn’t want to get out of bed, we’re seeing progress 

valerio: he still had off days of course but that’s understandable 

valerio: overall he’s in a much better place 

ander: i’m so pleased for him :)

valerio: you can totally see his shift in personality and it’s great 

valerio: i love seeing him happy 

guzman: shit that’s so cute 

valerio: uwu

ander: ew please never type ‘uwu’ again 

valerio: >:(

carla: you know

carla: i used to have my doubts about how good you and christian were for him 

valerio: ?? should i be offended ?? 

carla: shhhh

carla: but now i can see it

carla: you make him so happy 

carla: i’ll always be thankful to you for that 

ander: GIRL

valerio: AW CARLA

carla: this was a one time thing

carla: do NOT go all mushy on me 

valerio: :]

ander: well this is the cutest shit i’ve ever seen 

guzman: there are tears in my eyes rn for real

valerio: carla that means so much to me and christian you don’t even know 

omar: who wants to facetime me and ander and watch high school musical

valerio: ma’am...

ander: WAY TO RUIN THE MOMENT OMAR

omar: WHAT

omar: i thought they were done...

omar: SORRY MY BAD

valerio: it’s okay the moment’s passed

valerio: omar do you mind me asking why you want to watch high school musical all of a sudden? 

omar: is that even a question?

omar: BECAUSE they’re all on disney+ and i haven’t seen them in FOREVER 

rebe: because high school musical is god

omar: THANK YOU! 

guzman: LMFAO REBE 

valerio: okay i’ll admit it 

valerio: i love high school musical two

omar: TASTE! 

carla: but the first one is so iconic 

guzman: nothing beats the third one 

rebe: ew i knew guzman had no taste 

rebe: straight people never do 

guzman: EXCUSE ME? 

omar: actually the third one has some banging tunes tbh 

ander: omg yes

ander: i want it all is one of my all time favourites

rebe: ander you also have taste 

rebe: but i don’t dance is the best song out of all three movies don’t argue with me

guzman: okay i can actually get behind that 

valerio: YES! 

omar: there was so much sexual tension between chad and ryan in that song 

ander: i can’t believe disney tried to pass ryan off as straight 

rebe: he was about as straight as a cooked noodle lmfaoooo

omar: disney used to be so homophobic lmao

valerio: let’s be honest it still is

guzman: true

carla: i loved sharpay

rebe: i had the biggest crush on sharpay

ander: YES GAY RIGHTS! 

ander: also carla i’m pretty sure you ARE sharpay

carla: bite me

guzman: no lu is more sharpay lmfao 

ander: fair

ander: gabriella was trash 

valerio: ew wasn’t she 

guzman: she wasn’t that bad

rebe: once again, no taste 

ander: troy was also trash tbh 

valerio: but zac efron was still hot regardless 

omar: valid 

ander: you know he didn’t even sing in the first movie because his voice wasn’t good enough LMFAO

carla: what IS THAT REAL? 

ander: YESSJDJDJJDJ

rebe: okay that’s lowkey hilarious 

omar: that settles it 

omar: who wants to group facetime and binge watch all three movies? 

carla: yeah i’m in 

guzman: i would but nadia and i are still baking brownies :P 

omar: that’s okay you guys have fun with that <3

rebe: i’ll join 

omar: YAY! 

valerio: i’ve gotta go pick up polo but after that we’re both in 

valerio: polo loves high school musical 

ander: polo love high school musical 

ander: you know him so well :’)

valerio: ofc :’)

valerio: okay see y’all later 

omar: hit me up on facetime rebe and carla and lets get this started

rebe: okay, see you in a second :)

carla: see u

ander: i can’t wait for this

ander: this is so much better than watching brooklyn nine nine for the nth time 

omar: HEY! 

omar: do NOT insult b99 on my watch 

ander: i wasn’t insulting b99 i was insulting you 

omar: i- 

guzman: lmao have fun gays 

guzman: *guys 

guzman: but i guess gays works too 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this came from me and my friend both being so bored that we decided to watch the high school musical movies again lmao! 
> 
> i have another update coming tomorrow and another one after that sometime next week which are a bit longer! look out for those :p
> 
> thanks for reading this chapter, comments and kudos are heavily appreciated <333


	10. detention gang!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> valerio lands himself in detention (again) and everyone else goes to great lengths to join him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 10! wow! we’re there already! i honestly have no idea how long this fic is gonna be, i’ll probably just keep writing until i lose motivation lmfaoooo.
> 
> this is probably the most chaotic chapter i’ve written yet, but it rlly made me laugh writing it, enjoy <3

[11:04am]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: guyssfhchhchd

carla: valerio what are you doing 

carla: we’re in class 

valerio: i know but :( 

carla: what is it? 

valerio: i got detention againnnnnnn tomorrowwwwwwwww

carla: no surprise there

guzman: you two shhhh you’re making my phone buzz like mad and my teacher keeps staring at me 

valerio: but this is a crisis! 

carla: hardly

christian: what’s up guys

valerio: CHRISTIAN BBY HELP ME

christian: ???

carla: christian, NO. do NOT get involved.

valerio: christian u love me

valerio: do it for love 

christian: i don’t know what ‘it’ is??

valerio: oh right right 

valerio: i need someone else to get detention with me tomorrow so they can help me study for the chemistry test on thursday 

carla: why is it you ONLY get detention when we have a huge exam the next day? 

christian: you’re asking ME?? 

christian: the ONLY guy in school with worse grades than you? 

valerio: ... yeah i didn’t think this one through 

valerio: carla pretty pls 

carla: absolutely not 

carla: you dug yourself into this one, you can dig yourself out my friend 

valerio: but i’m gonna fail :( 

carla: literally when has that ever bothered you? 

valerio: hey! my grades are actually improving because of polo’s help + motivation

valerio: omg polo 

carla: no polo don’t get involved 

guzman: SHHHHHHHHH 

valerio: no, die 

guzman: can’t you just wait until lunch for this? 

valerio: no it is URGENT

guzman: you’re a lost cause 

polo: what’s up cute curls? 

valerio: omg you’re here lifesaver 

valerio: i need u to get detention for tomorrow so u can help me study for the chem test during it

polo: ...

polo: fine

polo: the things i do for my boyfriends

valerio: you’re gonna do it? just like that? 

polo: of course u idiot, i love you 

guzman: you’re a brave man, polito

valerio: polo i could kiss you 

polo: yes please 

valerio: meet me in the locker room at lunch ;)

polo: yes sir 

carla: ugh i wanna bleach my eyes

christian: val i’ll get detention as well 

christian: i’m not missing out on this 

valerio: what, the detention-turned-study-session or us hooking up in the locker room?

christian: both ;) 

polo: fuck

valerio: yes 

valerio: i love you both 

nadia: Will you three kindly shut up so we don’t all get in more trouble for texting in class?

valerio: nadia, i love you, but now is not the time 

polo: what should we do to get detention? 

carla: christian’s already found a way

polo: what 

carla: he just stood up out of his desk and yelled ‘FUCK!’ as loudly as he could 

carla: bam. detention.

carla: everyone’s staring at him 

carla: he looks so smug 

polo: i’m disappointed but not surprised

valerio: i applaud his guts

polo: yeah i am NOT doing that 

carla: polo just say you forgot the homework you did for english period five 

polo: but i worked so hard on that :( 

carla: fine then stand up and yell ‘fuck’ really loudly instead 

polo: ... 

polo: i’ll forget my homework 

polo: valerio, u owe me big time 

valerio: trust me, i’ll make it up to you ;)

polo: . yes please sir

carla: GROSS GO AWAY  
  


-

[2:14pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

guzman: okay we’ve all come to a collective decision 

carla: oh ffs again? i’m gonna have my phone confiscated at this rate

guzman: shhh carla this is important 

guzman: so, at lunch, whilst christian, valerio and polo were in the locker room doing god knows what 

valerio: i think u can guess what 

guzman: stfu

guzman: anyway, we collectively decided that we’re all gonna deliberately get detention and help valerio study 

valerio: come again? 

ander: it didn’t seem fair polo doing it on his own

ander: and we ALL wanna help u out as best we can 

rebe: and you’re NOT allowed to say no because ander already pushed over a trashcan in the hall and pissed off his mum who gave him detention 

ander: what can i say, i’m a bad son

guzman: biggest load of bs ever but sure 

valerio: guys 

valerio: this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me :’)

valerio: how the fuck can i ever thank u? 

rebe: calm down we’re just being good friends 

guzman: plus it’s gonna be lowkey hilarious with us all in detention together 

carla: just promise to try and stop getting detention in the first place so we can avoid this shit? 

valerio: i promise i’ll try

valerio: ily guys <3

ander: aw we love u too! 

christian: this is so sweet omg 

polo: #friendshipgoals 

carla: ew please never type that again 

polo: no promises

polo: so, what’s everyone gonna do to get detention? 

ander: already got mine :P

carla: i’ll just say i forgot my homework when our english teacher comes and collects it 

guzman: i deliberately got caught chewing gum in the hall so i’ve got mine too lmao 

valerio: omg what a bad boy

guzman: what can i say 

polo: rebe? what about you? 

rebe: hold on 

carla: ?

guzman: what are you...? 

guzman: NO WAY

polo: WHAT WHAT HAPPENED

guzman: SHE JUST YEETED HER TEXTBOOK OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW AND FLIPPED OUR TEACHER OFF 

valerio: NO FCUKIN WAY

christian: EVERYONE IS LAUGHING AND POOR MISS MARTINEZ LOOKS BEWILDERED 

ander: I WISH I COULD SEE THIS 

guzman: *photo sent*

guzman: excuse my shitty photography i’m trying to be subtle but 

ander: I CANTBREATHEHHDHSHSHS 

carla: REBE BABE U LOOK LIKE U GIVE ABSOLUTELY 0 SHITS

polo: THE SUNGLASSES SHE HAS ON MAKE THIS WHOLE THING 1000x FUNNIER BYEEEE

rebe: i’m a profesional xo

valerio: i can’t believe how ballsy you are 

rebe: anything 4 u

valerio: i’m honoured 

polo: so is that everyone? 

guzman: you’re never gonna believe this but

guzman: nadia also agreed to get detention for you 

valerio: you’re joking 

guzman: no she really did 

valerio: nadia i- :’) 

nadia: Don’t worry about it. I’ve always been the best at helping you study. 

valerio: thank u i love you sfm!

carla: it took a lot of convincing to get her to do it 

valerio: but what about your record? 

nadia: It’s worth getting a blemish on my record if it means I can help a friend.

ander: MY FUCKIN HEART

valerio: i can’t thank you enough 

nadia: No need :)

polo: so nads, what are you gonna do? 

nadia: I’m going to pretend I forgot to do my Philosophy essay. 

valerio: oh my gosh are you sure? 

nadia: Not really, but it’s worth a try.

guzman: good luck angel! 

nadia: Thanks, I’m gonna need it. 

valerio: thank you guys so much for this you’re the best friends i could ask for 

carla: you’re welcome! :) 

carla: now stop texting in class before we all get another detention

-

[3:26pm]

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

omar: wtf happened during school today 

ander: it’s a loooooooong story

omar: do i want to know? 

ander: probably not, no 

omar: okay i definitely don’t want to know 

-

**the next day, after detention**

[4:12pm]

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

guzman: that 

guzman: that was simultaneously the funniest yet most horrendous thing i’ve ever endured 

valerio: that whole hour felt like a fucking fever dream

omar: nadia filled me in on the plan last night

omar: tell me EVERYTHING 

ander: okay so 

ander: everything was normal for the first twenty minutes or so? 

polo: we were just all sat on one long table and studying chemistry

polo: nadia and i were sat beside valerio so we could help him study 

christian: and carla was helping me 

omar: okay this sounds so boring skip to the exciting part 

polo: okay it gets wild from here 

rebe: christian asked to go to the bathroom about halfway through and martín said fine but he better be quick 

ander: and everything was calm for about five minutes 

carla: until we hear a scream come from the corridor 

omar: i’m intrigued 

guzman: martín looks concerned so he goes out in the corridor to check, and then we all see him start sprinting down the hall 

valerio: so naturally i drag everyone with me to go check it out 

polo: and you’ll never fuckin guess what we see 

christian: NO GUYS IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING 

omar: it can’t have be that bad 

rebe: oh yes it can 

guzman: we see christian 

ander: with his LEG STUCK DOWN A DRAIN ON THE FLOOR AND THE SINK FLOODED EVERYWHERE

omar: okay i was wrong. it was that bad.

ander: SSKSKSSKJSJS IT’S STILL FUNNY 

christian: this is bullying 

omar: how on EARTH did this happen? 

christian: i was washing my hands and the tap got stuck and i slipped in the water and it just so happened that my leg got stuck down one of the floor drains :( 

omar: that seriously is a series of unfortunate events

polo: okay time for a visual!

polo: *photo sent*

christian: NOOOOO YOU TOOK PICTURES? 

polo: no christians were harmed in the making of this photo

omar: OH MYYYYYYY THAT’S HILARIOUS 

guzman: it was rEALLY funny 

christian: you’re lucky i wasn’t really injured 

carla: oh please your leg was barely stuck you got one tiny scrape 

christian: the nurse said it might’ve needed stitches if it was a little worse >:(

carla: well the nurse is dumb af

carla: you were fine 

carla: you were literally laughing with everyone else

christian: okay fine it was pretty funny 

valerio: honestly the whole thing was like a you’ve been framed moment 

carla: but yeah after we got christian’s leg out everything was pretty calm 

omar: omggg i would’ve killed to see that

valerio: the best part is

valerio: i actually got to study!! 

valerio: i might not fail this chemistry test!

polo: you’re welcome 

nadia: You’re welcome. 

valerio: thanks guys 

valerio: and thanks to the rest of you for coming it was pretty hilarious 

guzman: ur right 

ander: and thank you christian for providing comic relief at your expense 

christian: die 

ander: love u! 

guzman: i’m so drained from today 

guzman: i’m gonna go take a nap

carla: i’ve gotta study some more

carla: bye guys, cheers for a hilarious afternoon 

ander: bye! 

polo: christian can u carry me upstairs? i want to sleep :(

polo: pretty please? 

christian: fine but only because you’re baby 

valerio: wait for me

rebe: you guys are so gay

rebe: but so am i so it’s valid 

rebe: gdbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew this was long as heck! but i hope u found it funny! 
> 
> another new chapter is coming sometime this week (i’m on a roll!), and it involves ander bleaching his hair LMAO GET READY.
> 
> thanks 4 reading, luv u all!


	11. the hair dyeing fiasco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ander tries to bleach his hair. it goes about as well as you can imagine it going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi loves !
> 
> first of all, i’m sorry, i know i’d said i was gonna upload again last week but i got rlly distracted by other things :] i started watching tiger king on netflix and i got absorbed into how much of a chaotic mess it was and i watched it all in two days, and then after that i somehow got sucked back into rewatching all of sherlock :P 
> 
> anyway, i’m back with an update now! this chapter is inspired by real events that happened a couple of weeks ago when i attempted to bleach my hair... seriously, don’t let the gays get their hands on boxed hair dye, it’s never going to end well lmfao. 
> 
> hope u enjoy this <3

[8:03pm] 

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

ander: MAYDAY MAYDAY WE HAVE A SITUATION 

rebe: wtf ander 

ander: someTHING BAD HAS HAPPENEDHCHDJS

rebe: ander ur the biggest drama queen ever so it can’t be that bad 

omar: oh it is 

omar: it really is 

rebe: uh oh

polo: what is it what’s happening 

rebe: I DON’T KNOW 

polo: ander what’s happening

ander: IT’S SO EMBARRASSING 

omar: cmon bby it’s not that bad 

rebe: what happened to the omar from five seconds ago who was telling us it _is_ that bad, huh omar? 

omar: shhhh i’m trying to make him feel better u dolt 

polo: ander we won’t judge you 

rebe: i will 

polo: okay, _i_ won’t judge you 

polo: i promise🥺👉👈

christian: what’s going on? 

polo: we have no idea but ander has done something and he won’t tell us what 

christian: oooooo drama 

christian: ander bro it can’t be that bad can it? 

ander: omar u tell them i can’t to this 

omar: yikes okay 

rebe: i’m waiting 

omar: keep ur pants on bloody hell 

omar: so uhm

omar: long story short 

omar: ander tried to bleach his hair 

polo: oh dear god 

christian: what that doesn’t sound so bad??

omar: emphasis on ‘tried’ 

polo: also, the last time ander tried to dye his hair

polo: it did NOT go well 

ander: NOOOO DON’T BRING THAT UPPPPP

polo: oops 

polo: he dyed it a bright red 

polo: that was the day we discovered that red is NOT ander’s colour lmfaoooo 

christian: no way receipts or it didn’t happen 

polo: hold up i think i have photos 

ander: polo NO

polo: polo YES 

polo: *photo sent* 

christian: OHMYFKFKDKENENFJ 

rebe: omfg

ander: oh my god polo i hate you 

polo: love you too babes

omar: hey it’s... not that bad?

rebe: not that bad? 

rebe: omar do you have eyes? 

rebe: no offence ander but you look like an ex convict 

ander: aw thanks 

ander: but seriously this time is worse 

polo: okay show us the damage 

ander: do NOT laugh 

christian: no promises 

ander: *photo sent* 

polo: .

polo: NOW THAT’S A LOT OF DAMAGE

ander: POLO STOP QUOTING PHIL SWIFT AND HELP ME 

rebe: ha ur whole head looks like ramen noodles 

christian: LMFAOOOOOO BYEEEEEE

ander: u guys are actually so mean 

polo: how the hell did you get it to be so orange? 

ander: i have NO FUCKING IDEA I FOLLOWED ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS 

omar: carrot head 

ander: oh my god omar stfu 

rebe: lmao carrot head 

christian: CARROT HEADDDDDDD 

ander: i’m gonna go delete myself in a second you guys are so MEAN

omar: sorry sorry bby 

omar: but i’m sure we can fix it

polo: did u try google? 

ander: yeah i googled ‘how to get the orange out of my hair and stop my friends calling me carrot head.’

christian: and what did you find?

ander: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JOKING

rebe: what possessed you to try and dye your hair with boxed dye anyway? 

ander: IDK I WAS GAY AND BORED LEAVE ME ALONE 

valerio: yo what’s up gays

valerio: ander wtf happened to ur head lmao 

ander: fuck off valerio 

valerio: woah hey what did i do 

valerio: bit hostile luv 

polo: u didn’t do anything valerio, ander bleached his hair and it went wrong and he’s taking it out on us 

valerio: oh i can help with this

ander: if you’re gonna go tell me to feed my hair to some rabbits u can fuck off again 

christian: PFFFTTTT

valerio: no for real i can actually help

ander: wait u can? 

valerio: yep i’ve had the same nightmare before

polo: when the fuck did you bleach your hair val 

christian: i have to see this 

valerio: lmao okay 

valerio: *photo sent* 

christian: fuckkkk u look good

polo: oh my fucking god 

polo: u look so fucking hot 

polo: i’d get on my knees for blonde you

valerio: lmao you’re acting like you don’t already get on your knees for me

ander: EXCUSE ME THIS IS A CRISIS

ander: CAN YOU THREE PLEASE SAVE BEING HORNY UNTIL AFTER VALERIO HAS HELPED ME? 

ander: thank u 

valeio: okay so 

valerio: you have to buy a toner to mute the yellowy colour, and i also recommend washing your hair with purple shampoo to get rid of the brassiness 

ander: THANKNYOU

ander: YOU’RE A LIFESAVER

rebe: why is that actually really good advice wtf

valerio: i have my moments 

ander: okay i’m gonna amazon prime all that shit right now 

valerio: that’s all well and good but 

valerio: you’re gonna have to come into school tomorrow w ur hair like that lol 

ander: ... oh my goD NOOOOOO

ander: EVERYONE’S GONNA LAUGH AT MEEEE

polo: i won’t 

christian: i’ll try not to 

christian: no promises 

rebe: just wear a hat 

ander: i look stupid in hats >:(

rebe: you’ll look stupider with that hair 

ander: shit ur right 

ander: i might just take a day off 

polo: lmao like ur mum would let u do that 

ander: FCUK UR RIGHT

ander: i’m so fuckeddhxhxjajusus 

ander: fuck this shitty day 

omar: do you want me to facetime you and cheer u up? 

ander: yes pls :( 

omar: okay i’m on my way bb

omar: see y’all 

rebe: lmao i can’t wait for school tomorrow 

ander: do you enjoy seeing me in pain? 

rebe: yes i’m a sadist 

rebe: now go facetime your boyfriend 

ander: okay :) 

rebe: night carrot head 

valerio: hey christian

valerio: hey polo

valerio: wanna group facetime? ;) 

polo: fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes 

christian: god yeah 

christian: you don’t have to ask me twice 

rebe: god can you guys please go be gay and horny somewhere else 

valerio: oh we’re planning on it ;PPPP

valerio: gdbyeeeee 

rebe: gross have fun with that 

rebe: great now i’m alone 

rebe: . 

rebe: i’m gonna call carla 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! this one was fun to write lmao, i love the dynamic i’ve created for this group they’re so chaotic. 
> 
> anyway thanks for reading! there should be another new chapter up this sunday :) 
> 
> love u guys!


	12. truth or dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a game of truth or dare leads to some interesting revelations and some hilarious shenanigans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :D 
> 
> as promised, here’s a new update! it’s extra chaotic so i hope it makes u laugh! this chapter is actually wayyyyy longer than i first planned lmao, i got a bit carried away, but i just assumed u guys wouldn’t mind. 
> 
> enjoy <3
> 
> !this chapter contains a lot of sexual discussions and references :)!

[11:03pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)_

christian: you know what would be funny? 

ander: i’m not sure i want to know 

christian: no it’s funny i promise 

ander: i don’t believe you 

christian: shhhhh

christian: i think 

christian: we should play truth or dare 

ander: no

polo: christian go back to bed 

valerio: NO THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN 

christian: YES LET’S DO IT

polo: remind me why i’m dating you two again? 

christian: because you luuuuuuuv us

polo: do i? 

valerio: :( 

polo: i was joking i love you

valerio: :) 

ander: ugh and i was about to go to bed as well 

carla: no you weren’t 

carla: absolute lies 

ander: okay fine you got me i was going to watch another episode of rupaul’s drag race 

christian: you watch that show?

ander: omar got me hooked on it leave me alone 

christian: uhhh like i’d attack you for watching rupaul’s drag race

christian: i have two boyfriends what position am i in to judge you? 

carla: rpdr is so good ander has taste 

ander: thank u i try😗✌️

christian: yes people are awake my master plan has succeeded 

christian: now let’s play

guzman: omg can you guys stfu 

valerio: no we’re playing truth or dare 

guzman: polo can you control your boyfriends? 

polo: not unless they’re in the same room as me

guzman: ugh fine i’ll play 

carla: fuck it i’m in too 

ander: i don’t have a choice now do i? 

christian: no you don’t 

christian: okay let’s start with ander

polo: lol

ander: why is it always me?

ander: what did i do to deserve this?

christian: okay ander truth or dare

ander: dare 

valerio: oooooo risky

ander: shuddup

christian: okayyyyy i dare you to 

christian: stick a hot cheeto up your nose and leave it there for five minutes 

valerio: HAAAAAAA

ander: absolutely fucking not 

polo: don’t spoil the game ander u have to 

ander: but i don’t even have any cheetos 

guzman: you always have cheetos you bald faced liar 

ander: wtf guzman i thought we were friends 

guzman: we are

guzman: but this will be funny 

ander: ugHhhHhhhh

christian: i’m gonna facetime you to make sure you actually do it 

ander: okay okay i’m getting some cheetos 

carla: this is already brilliant

valerio: send us a picture? 

ander: fine.

ander: *photo sent* 

polo: PAHAHAHAHAHHAA BYEEEEEE

guzman: this is comedic gold 

valerio: christian, thank you for this

christian: the pleasure is all mine 

ander: it’s DEFINITELY not mine 

christian: okay facetime incoming ander 

christian: lol guys his face is turning red 

polo: RECEIPTS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN

christian: *photo sent* 

guzman: i’m dead 

carla: it looks like he swallowed a jalapeño 

christian: okay who’s next 

valerio: i’ll go 

christian: brave 

christian: okay val, truth or dare? 

valerio: truth 

carla: ooo i didn’t see that coming 

valerio: oh god have i just dug my own grave??

christian: yes

polo: it was nice knowing u

christian: val, your truth is:

christian: out of the people in this groupchat, who do you want to trade lives with the most? 

carla: ohhh that’s actually a good question 

valerio: hmmmmm 

valerio: probably polo

polo: i’m flattered 

guzman: can i ask why??

valerio: one: he’s super rich 

polo: so are you? 

valerio: true, but the second reason is 

valerio: i wanna see what it’s like to be how much of a bottom polo is

polo: . 

carla: I JUST SPAT OUT MY APPLE JUICEHEJFJJCJSJWNE 

guzman: IMSCREAMINGXHSJSBW VALERIOOOOOO 

ander: OHMYYYGOOOOOOOOOOD 

polo: im. offended? flattered? 

valerio: ur welcome love

christian: moving swiftly oNDNXJDJE

ander: can i take the fucking cheeto out of my nose yet? it burns 

christian: oh yeah sorry ander 

ander: u will be sorry 

christian: no offence but being threatened by you is like being threatened by a marshmallow 

ander: bite me 

christian: yikes

christian: carla, you’re next 

carla: okay, i choose dare 

guzman: ooooo she’s risky ladies and gentlemen

christian: i dare you to take a selfie with your toilet and post it on instagram 

carla: oh my god this is my worst nightmare 

christian: the caption can only be ‘me nd my bestie!’ 

ander: oh and somehow it gets worse 

guzman: i’m STILL LAUGHINGJDJSJA 

carla: okay give me a second 

carla: *photo sent* 

guzman: how the hell do you still look so pretty next to a fucking toilet

valerio: it’s not fair she’s so photogenic this isn’t even that bad 

polo: i’m annoyed by how good you look

carla: aw thanks guys 

christian: you’re welcome 

carla: not you christian, you can die for making me post this 

christian: RUDE

carla: okay i’ve uploaded it 

carla: i hate you christian 

christian: love you too babes x

polo: it already has 100 likes what

valerio: THE COMMENTS ARE SENDING MEEEE

guzman: lmao someone just commented “you still look gorgeous even though you’re next to a literal toilet.” i couldn’t have said it better myself 

carla: hey this wasn’t so bad 

ander: if i’d posted this people would literally be bullying me how is this fair 

carla: ha

christian: right who’s gonna be my next victim? 

christian: guzman you haven’t gone yet, it’s your turn now

guzman: oh god 

christian: oh good indeed 

guzman: u know that’s not what i said 

christian: okay guzman,

christian: do you ever catch yourself thinking about hooking up with someone of the same sex?

polo: oh damn

carla: ooo christian rlly said i’m gonna expose guzman today 

guzman: ... 

guzman: okay i’m going to be one hundred percent honest

guzman: i’ve made out with a guy before.

ander: WHATTTTTTTT 

valerio: omg no way

christian: and?

guzman: . i didn’t hate it, but it didn’t turn me on or anything 

polo: that’s disappointing 

guzman: ???????¿¿¿

polo: never mind 

valerio: _when_ did this happen??

guzman: at some party last year 

guzman: lu caught us and started freaking out lmao

guzman: it took me a whole two days until i managed to convince her i wasn’t gay 

christian: that sounds absolutely chaotic 

christian: i’m so glad i picked this question for you 

guzman: you know, that wasn’t so bad 

guzman: i’ve always wanted to get that off my chest 

ander: good for u

ander: so while guzman got to actually enjoy his truth, i got to suffer with a cheeto up my nose! 

christian: shoulda picked truth

ander: never

polo: i guess i’m next 

christian: okay polito, truth or dare? 

polo: truth 

christian: okayyyy, 

carla: it’s gonna be something really sexual i’m betting it now

christian: what’s the most surprising thing that’s ever turned you on?

carla: i knew it 

guzman: ooooooo way to expose your boyfriend christian 

polo: ...

polo: ... okay i’m rlly about to expose myself here so nobody judge me okay? 

valerio: never 

ander: no promises 

polo: shut up ander 

polo: so i kinda get turned on... when people praise me👉👈

polo: and not just when i’m in bed with someone

polo: like... all praise is a turn on to me

ander: omg POLO HAS A PRAISE KINK

ander: i’m gonna exploit the shit out of that

carla: lmao same

polo: NOOO

valerio: well this is an interesting revelation

polo: .

christian: this is definitely information that we can have fun with 

polo: . 

guzman: okay this is getting too sexual back to the GAME PLSSSS

christian: but everyone’s had a turn

ander: no they haven’t 

christian: ? 

ander: it’s your turn christian 

christian: oh god 

ander: truth or dare?

christian: neither? 

carla: this was your idea you fucktard

christian: okay fine

christian: dare? 

ander: fuck yes

guzman: christian, be scared 

christian: oh i am

ander: christian, i dare you

ander: to walk down your street in your underwear 

polo: LMAOOSOSODJJCJDJW 

guzman: THAT’S AMAZING

christian: oh you’re evil 

christian: but i’ll do it 

christian: even if it might get me beat up 

guzman: good sport

ander: you have to film it

christian: naturally 

christian: okay i’m at my door 

polo: this is actually so funny bye 

christian: *video sent* 

ander: IM SCREAMINGGHXHDJDJDID 

carla: LOOOOOOOOL THIS IS FUNNIER THAN THE TIME SOMEONE STOLE ALL YOUR CLOTHES AT SCHOOL 

polo: the random girl who yelled ‘you’re hot!’ is my FUCKING MOOD 

valerio: u do look good 

guzman: omg can you three not be horny for one second 

polo: no 

valerio: no

christian: no

guzman: jesus 

carla: this was so entertaining thanks christian 

christian: what the game or the video? 

carla: both lmao

christian: you’re welcome 

ander: i’m seconds away from posting that video on twitter 

christian: i hate you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if the group actually played truth or dare this is exactly how chaotic it would be and y’all know it. 
> 
> thanks for reading this chapter! drop me a comment or kudo if u want to! see u next week <3


	13. the spider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there’s a spider in omar’s bedroom. needless to say, he overreacts. majorly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey gays
> 
> new chapter alert! dis one’s a lil short to make up for how bloody long the last chapter was :) 
> 
> hope u enjoy :p

[5:20pm]

‘ _the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

omar: FUCJCKCKXKSKKSOFOFOSKWMWBWJ

guzman: did omar just fall down the stairs or something what’s happening 

omar: HELPHELPHELP

polo: what 

omar: IMSOSCARED

ander: what’s happening? 

omar: IM LITERALLY DYING 

ander: WHAT ARE YOU OKAY? 

ander: DO I NEED TO COME OVER? 

omar: YES

rebe: what in god’s name is going on? 

omar: IT’S A CRISIS 

omar: THERE IS 

omar: A SPIDER 

omar: IN MY BEDROOM

guzman: LOOOOOOOL BYEEEEEE

ander: ... 

ander: bro 

ander: r u serious rn 

omar: YES U IMBECILE COME AND KILL IT FOR ME 

ander: ... 

polo: lol

ander: ... nadia 

nadia: Yes? 

ander: can you do me a favour? 

nadia: Sure thing.

ander: go into your brother’s room and send me a picture of the spider? 

nadia: Give me one second.

nadia: *photo sent* 

guzman: oh my god 

omar: SEE IT’S FUCKING MASSIVE 

omar: IT’S A MUTANT

rebe: omar 

rebe: no offence 

rebe: but you’re such a pussy 

omar: I HATE YOU

rebe: hate you too babes x

polo: omar that spider is smaller than one of my fingers and i have small ass hands

guzman: he does have really small hands 

guzman: he got them trapped in my front gate once 

guzman: he was stuck there for over an hour 

guzman: it was hilarious 

polo: was bringing that up really necessary? 

guzman: yes 

omar: GUYS FOCUS 

ander: you seriously wanted me to come all the way over there to get _that_ for you? 

omar: YES YOU’RE MY BOYFRIEND YOU LOVE ME ABSOLUTE TWAT

guzman: ‘twat’ what an adorable pet name 

guzman: sounds like you love him just as much as he loves you aw how cute 

ander: ... 

ander: nadia

nadia: Yes? 

ander: don’t get the spider for him 

ander: let him fend for himself 

omar: NOOOOOOO

nadia: Haha okay.

nadia: How about I film everything that’s happening and send it to you instead? 

omar: oh you two are EVIL 

nadia: Nope you’re just a big baby.

omar: MEANIES 

nadia: *video sent* 

polo: WHY ARE YOU STANDING ON YOUR BED LMFAO 

polo: THE SPIDER IS ON THE WALL NOT THE FLOOR 

guzman: he’s social distancing from the spider 

ander: PPPPFFFFFTTTTTTTT 

omar: i’m trying to get as FAR AWAY AS I CAN 

omar: FROM THAT DEMON

guzman: ouch what did the spider ever do to you? 

omar: it existed. 

polo: fair enough

rebe: omar the spider is more scared of you than you are of it 

nadia: I doubt it. 

polo: HAAAAAAAAA

nadia: Omar’s been scared of spiders since he was younger. I used to hide fake ones on his pillow as a joke.

omar: yes and it emotionally scarred me

rebe: damnnnnn nadia you’ve got some prankster in you 

nadia: Thanks, I try. 

omar: omg guys 

ander: what 

omar: it’s coming cloSER FUCK MEEEEE

nadia: *photo sent* 

polo: it has moved. half an inch. 

guzman: loool

omar: wTF DO I DO

ander: suffer 

omar: remind me why we’re together? 

guzman: omar just trap it under a cup and put it outside 

omar: easier said than done 

rebe: no it’s not it’s so easy 

omar: ugh 

polo: is anyone watching that tiger king documentary on netflix? 

ander: omg i SAW that 

polo: WASN’T IT MENTAL??

rebe: fuckin carole baskin 

polo: she KILLED HER HUSBAND don’t @ me 

guzman: well obviously 

nadia: I can’t believe Joe Exotic ran for president.

ander: i would’ve voted for him LMFAO 

ander: better than trump

polo: when he said ‘i’m gay, broke as shit and i’ve had some kinky sex.’ I FELT THAT

ander: my new life motto tbh 

omar: CAN YOU GUYS STOP TALKING ABOUT TIGER KING AND HELP ME 

ander: i’m sorry did you guys hear something? 

polo: no? 

rebe: nothing 

omar: JFJFJJREKEKEOOWWOW 

omar: okay i’m gonna try and trap it 

omar: here goes

nadia: You guys are going to want to see this. 

nadia: *video sent* 

omar: THAT WAS HORRIBLE

polo: HAAAAAAA MY LUNGS ARE GONE BYE 

guzman: PMFDHFHDJDJEJKEKWW HOW DID YOU MESS THAT UP SO BADLY 

omar: I DONT EVEN KNOWWWWW

ander: karma 

rebe: ha now it’s crawled under your bed forever 

omar: i hate this

omar: i am never going back in this room again 

nadia: Good luck explaining that one to mum and dad lol. 

omar: ander i’m coming to stay with you 

ander: GIRL... 

omar: pls🥺

ander: okay fine you can sleepover for one night 

omar: :D 

omar: thank u ily 

ander: ily2

guzman: well that was a strangely unsatisfying and anticlimactic ending 

polo: yeah i wanted the spider to morph into aragog from harry potter and eat omar or something 

guzman: SKDJDJKKSKS THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT BUT OKAYYYYY 

rebe: that would’ve been SICKKKKK 

omar: do you guys enjoy watching me suffer? 

polo: yes 

guzman: yes 

rebe: yes 

ander: yes 

omar: i hate you all <33333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the weather in england is so hot at the moment and i rlly hate being stuck inside :( but, on the plus side, writing this makes me smile :) 
> 
> i hope u enjoyed this chapter, see u next sunday <3


	14. carla & rebe bake a cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> carla and rebe bake a cake and christian and valerio (try to) help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi bbys! 
> 
> i’d just like to apologise for this being uploaded a day late. i literally have no concept of time anymore, and by the time i realised it was sunday, it was... well... monday. this whole lockdown thing is fucking with my head lmao.
> 
> anyways! here’s your new chapter! i had a few requests for more carlarebe content so enjoy them being domestic girlfriends in this chapter! 
> 
> <3

[04:67pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

carla: i knew this was a bad idea

rebe: i TOLD you we shouldn’t have tried this 

valerio: woah woah woah what’s going on? 

rebe: this isn’t working out 

christian: wait what? 

carla: maybe we should just call it quits 

valerio: :( 

valerio: guys :(

carla: oh wait no it’s okay i’ve found the cake tin now 

valerio: huh 

rebe: where was it? 

carla: come in here i’ll show you

christian: uhm what 

rebe: false alarm guys everything is fine 

valerio: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 

carla: oh rebe and i are trying to bake a cake together 

carla: but i couldn’t find the cake tin anywhere and we thought we’d have to give up 

rebe: but then we found the cake tin in the bread cupboard of all places? 

christian: wait... that’s it? 

rebe: yeah lmao 

carla: why what did you think was happening? 

valerio: WE THOUGHT YOU WERE BREAKING UP WITH EACH OTHER

valerio: RIGHT IN FRONT OF US

carla: omg rlly 

christian: READ YOUR MESSAGES AND TELL ME THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A BREAKUP TO YOU

carla: shit it does 

rebe: lmao sorry 

christian: i almost had a heart attack jesus christ 

valerio: don’t do that again >:(

carla: sorry sorry 

valerio: anyways, a cake? 

valerio: what’s the occasion? 

rebe: do you want to explain or should i? 

carla: go on 

rebe: okay so

rebe: we were arguing over what to do tonight

rebe: i wanted to go out and get something to eat but carla wanted to stay in 

rebe: so we did the handstand game to decide 

christian: i’m sorry you did the what now? 

carla: whoever can hold the longest handstand gets to choose 

carla: it’s a decision strategy we made up because we can never agree on anything lmao 

valerio: right and you couldn’t just do rock paper scissors? 

carla: no that’s for boring people 

christian: wow thanks 

rebe: anyway, carla won 

carla: obviously 

rebe: i hate you 

carla: no you love me 

rebe: okay i do 

valerio: cute 

rebe: so that meant we were staying in, but we still needed something to do

rebe: and i said

rebe: let’s bake a cake

christian: aw that’s so domestic 

rebe: i will literally break your kneecaps 

christian: try me luv x 

valerio: okay send pics of what you’ve done so far i want to see 

carla: *photo sent* 

valerio: not bad not bad 

valerio: make sure you rotate it in the oven so it gets an even bake all around 

carla: woah when did you turn into paul hollywood??

valerio: AGGCHHF THIS IS POLO’S FAULT FOR MAKING ME WATCH SO MUCH OF THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF 

rebe: HAAAAAA

carla: christian, any baking tips? 

christian: oh god no i zone the fuck out when we’re watching that 

valerio: WHAT??

carla: uh oh 

valerio: how come you always to respond to the little comments i make as we watch it?

christian: babe i literally just say the first bit of waffle that comes into my head 

valerio: ALL THIS TIME—

rebe: OKAYYYYYY moving on 

rebe: what flavour icing should we put on top?

valerio: oooh that depends on the kind of cake you made

valerio: victoria sponge? marble cake? genoise? 

rebe: uhhhh it’s chocolate 

christian: valerio has a secret compartment in his brain that’s just filled with useless baking terminology 

valerio: true, and i hate myself for it 

valerio: also, try vanilla buttercream. it’ll go nice with the chocolate sponge 

carla: thanks mr hollywood 

valerio: if you call me that again i’ll end your bloodline 

carla: really scary you are

christian: hey val maybe we should try baking one day 

valerio: you really think the three of us in a kitchen with sharp objects is a good idea??

christian: ... never mind u right 

valerio: the closest we’re gonna get to cooking is instant noodles x 

christian: nahhh i can make a mean cheese sandwich 

valerio: how can a cheese sandwich be GOOD OR BAD IT IS LITERALLY BREAD AND CHEESE 

christian: and butter

christian: how dare you forget butter 

valerio: UR MISSING THE POINT 

rebe: can you guys stop having a domestic and help us with something?

valerio: oh sure what’s up? 

carla: how long should we wait before we ice the cake? 

valerio: hmmmm

valerio: you can leave it on the counter for half an hour and wait for it to cool 

valerio: or you can whack it in the fridge for five minutes 

rebe: cheers gordon ramsay

valerio: okay one: no problem

valerio: and two: he’s not even a baker he’s a chef 

carla: literally what is the difference 

christian: you know val

christian: you kind of look like gordon ramsay

valerio: omg you’re right i do

valerio: apart from the hair, the eyes, the face shape, the nose and literally every other feature 

valerio: no i do not look like fucking gordon ramsay 

christian: you have the same aura 

valerio: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?? 

rebe: GUYS GUSYDHSNSNOOOOOOOOOO

valerio: WHAT WHAT HAPPENED 

carla: oh mygod 

christian: what is it what’s going on 

carla: rebe just dropped the entire cake on the floor 

valerio: UR HAVING A LAUGH 

christian: PICS PICS PICS N O W 

rebe: *photo sent* 

valerio: NOOOOOOO 

christian: that’s well and truly flattened 

christian: there’s no saving that LOLLLL

rebe: my baby is dead :(( 

carla: hey it’s okay bb we can make another one 

valerio: omg wait i have an idea! 

rebe: ? 

valerio: pick up the broken cake and turn it into cake pops! look up a recipe online, it’s rlly easy :) 

carla: wait that’s a really good idea 

rebe: it is wtf

carla: valerio what would we do without you

valerio: you’d commit various baking crimes 

valerio: and you’re welcome <3

christian: yo bring a cake pop over to mine when you’re done 

carla: in your dreams, christian 

christian: :( 

rebe: okay fine i’ll bring you one 

christian: :) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading! i love every single one of you guys <3


	15. houseplants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> polo accidentally kills one of his houseplants and of course it’s the end of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hola amigos :p 
> 
> how are you all doing? i’ve spent the last week completely ignoring all my alevel prep work and playing animal crossing instead, which i’ve found is a much better way to make use of my time lmao. 
> 
> this chapter is inspired by real life events! i know, how exciting! i think you lot should know by now that this fic has no plot whatsoever and i just write about whatever i fucking want! 
> 
> with that said, enjoy lovelies!
> 
> !t/w for a very brief and passive mention of suicide. it’s not meant to be taken seriously in the context but i thought i should let u know just in case :)!

[06:45pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

polo: i’m going to kILL MYSELF 

guzman: polo are you okay? what’s wrong? 

ander: nooooooo don’t kill yourself your so sexy ahaha 

omar: the contrast between those two responses is hilarious 

guzman: ANDER wtf this might be serious 

ander: it’s a meme you twat

ander: look it up 

guzman: it doesn’t matter my point still stands 

guzman: are u okay polito? 

polo: MY FUCKING HOUSEPLANT JUST DIED 

carla: that’s the most gen z thing i’ve ever read 

ander: i told u it wasn’t serious lol 

polo: fuck you it is serious 

polo: those houseplants are my children 

omar: okay that’s something i can relate to on a spiritual level 

polo: omar you keep houseplants? 

omar: of course i do, don’t all the gays? 

polo: you make a valid point 

carla: uhhh i don’t have a houseplant? 

omar: you’re bi not gay? 

carla: i may be bi but honestly men are on thin fucking ice 

polo: LMFAOOOO DID SHE LIE THOUGHHHH 

polo: also omar i’m bi as well 

omar: oh yeah i forgot lmao 

omar: probably because you’re in the gayest relationship i’ve ever seen 

polo: once again, valid point 

ander: honestly i fuckin hate omar’s houseplants 

omar: excuse me 

ander: he pays more attention to them than he does to his literal boyfriend 

guzman: OUCH 

omar: I DO NOT

omar: i promise i love you more than i love my plants 

ander: aw babe 

omar: but only by a tiny bit

ander: aaaaaaand u ruined it!

polo: excuse me are u all just gonna ignore me or what? 

carla: no but we need more info 

carla: how dead is it? 

polo: *photo sent*

carla: ... right

guzman: oh bro there’s no saving that 

polo: i knowwwjwjdxjdks 

omar: what the hell did you even do? 

polo: i may have forgotten to water it...

omar: hey that’s not so bad 

polo: ... for like three months 

omar: i fucking take it back 

ander: DAMN THREE MONTHS? 

polo: i’m SORRY I FEEL SO BAD 

guzman: i don’t understand why this is such a big deal it’s just a plant 

omar: u take that back 

polo: guzman i will kill u and i’m not joking 

guzman: woah hey i’m sorry i regret what i said jesus 

carla: lmao like polo could ever kill someone 

omar: he’s too babie for that

polo: BUT I KILLED ONE OF MY CHILDREN AND I FEEL AWFUL :( 

omar: hey it’s okay, it’s just one plant 

omar: how many more have you got? 

polo: six little ones and one big boi 

ander: bloody hell you’ve got your hands full no wonder you forgot to water one 

polo: maybe this was fate 

guzman: or maybe you’re just bad at looking after your plants 

polo: i actually hate u so much 

carla: polo did i notice a name tag on your plant?? 

polo: ofc, i name all my plants 

omar: no shit that’s what i do! 

ander: oh my god you two are so sad 

omar: i may be sad but i am still rad 

ander: ew please never say that again 

omar: no

omar: anyway polo what are ur plants called?

polo: omg i was hoping someone would ask 

guzman: you’re the only one who was hoping that 

polo: i’m just gonna pretend guzman isn’t here

omar: that’s literally what i’ve been doing this whole time lmao 

guzman: i-

polo: anyway! the one that died was called garrett

ander: rest in peace garrett, you’re in a better place now 

carla: #blessup

polo: then my six little babies are called sebastian, noah, benedict, anthony, timothée and jack.

ander: i see a reoccurring theme here 

guzman: am i stupid? i don’t get it 

polo: yes you are stupid but that’s besides the point 

polo: they’re all named after actors that i love 

guzman: oh wait yes i see it now

carla: honestly that’s the most polo thing ever

omar: that’s so cute 

omar: what’s the big guy’s name??

polo: oh his name is magnus and he lives in my bathroom 

guzman: lmao i bet he’s seen some shit 

guzman: literally and figuratively 

ander: haha good one 

guzman: thanks dude 

ander: that was sarcasm 

guzman: well sarcasm doesn’t exactly come through over text does it 

carla: brilliant deduction sherlock 

polo: ha i love sherlock 

polo: but not the one with robert downey jr 

polo: i have a personal vendetta against robert downey jr as sherlock 

ander: i literally don’t remember asking 

polo: a bit rude 

guzman: anyway polo you still have seven plants left what’s the big deal? 

omar: he just doesn’t get it does he? 

polo: nope 

polo: those plants are like my kids, i had a duty of care 

guzman: yeah i guess i’ve never really got the whole plant thing 

guzman: the one time i did have a plant it was a cactus and i knocked it over in my sleep and when i got out of bed i stepped right on it 

ander: LMFAO I WOULD PAY MONEY TO SEE FOOTAGE OF THAT 

guzman: it was NOT FUN 

guzman: i had to go to the hospital and have the spikes pulled out from my foot 

carla: wow i bet your parents loved that 

guzman: safe to say i’ve never had another plant since 

polo: that’s fair enough 

polo: i’ve had plenty of accidents with plants 

omar: oh god me too 

omar: i always knock them off my windowsill with my feet and end up having to hoover the floor lmao 

carla: are you two sure you’re qualified to look after plants? 

omar: oh of course

polo: i’d say i’m close to having my license revoked 

polo: i can’t let any more of my kids die on my watch 

guzman: or what? 

guzman: you’ll be arrested by the plant police? 

omar: precisely 

guzman: what

polo: i have to go and bury my dead son now :( 

omar: sending u all my love xoxo

ander: have fun with the funeral

carla: take care 

polo: thanks for the moral support guys :’) 

guzman: lmao ur not getting that from me 

polo: did you guys hear something just now? 

omar: no?? 

polo: huh must’ve just been the wind 

guzman: haha very funny 

guzman: lol good joke 

guzman: guys?? 

guzman: hello? guys??

guzman: don’t leave me 

guzman: guys??????? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope whatever that shitshow was that you just read made you laugh lmao. 
> 
> i have something really funny planned 4 next week that was suggested in the comments of one of the previous chapters nd i’m really looking forward to writing it! 
> 
> anyway, that’s all for now bbys, see u next week <3


	16. the ander incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ander walks in on our favourite throuple having sex and his reaction is absolutely priceless. omar and rebe are no help, obviously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m back! 
> 
> this week has been pretty rough for me mental health wise, but i managed to get this chapter done. i can’t wait for you guys to read it, it came out well and i honestly think it’s somewhat funny! this is rather high praise indeed because i usually hate everything i write lmao. 
> 
> with that said, enjoy <3
> 
> !this chapter contains sexual content! it’s not too explicit but just in case ur sensitive to that i thought i’d let u know!

[11:34am] 

_‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

ander: guys guys guys guys something bad has happened this is a crisis someone save me

rebe: okay step one: remain calm 

rebe: and step two: spill the tea sis

omar: you sound like james charles and i hate it 

omar: come on then let me asses the damage 

ander: where do i even begin 

ander: right so i’m outside polo’s house right now 

ander: i came over to give him back his glasses which he left at my house yesterday 

rebe: wait what 

rebe: polo wears GLASSES? 

ander: yes?? he used to wear them all the time

rebe: i bet he looks cute in them, why doesn’t he wear them more often? 

ander: he stopped when he finally understood contacts 

omar: tbh i don’t understand contacts at all

omar: how tf don’t they just slip into the backs of ur eyes and into your brain? 

rebe: because physics

rebe: duh 

omar: okay einstein 

ander: guys focus i don’t need a science lesson right now

omar: sorry sorry carry on 

ander: anyway i texted him to ask if i could drop them over but he didn’t text me back 

ander: so i just went anyway

rebe: holdup. u just went to his house without waiting for him to say yes? 

ander: yes 

ander: i do it to omar all the time lmao

omar: it’s true, he does 

omar: ander has no understanding of social boundaries 

ander: no i just don’t have time for slow people 

rebe: jesus 

ander: anyway anyway 

ander: one of polo’s maids let me in and she gave me an odd sort of look but didn’t say anything 

ander: which i thought was weird but i just ignored it and went in anyway 

omar: okay i can already see this going downhill 

rebe: read the damn signs ander 

ander: SHHHH LET ME CARRY ON

ander: so i started walking up the stairs towards polo’s room because he has a tendency to oversleep on weekends and i just assumed that’s what was happening 

ander: and i could hear weird noises coming from inside his bedroom but i didn’t think anything of it 

ander: in hindsight that was a rookie mistake 

omar: ander you’re so dumb i know exactly where this is going 

ander: UGH I KNOW

ander: anyway i got closer and closer and cloSER AND THEN

rebe: *dramatic pause for effect* 

ander: i opened the door 

omar: YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHYYYYY 

ander: I DON’T KNOWIFIDJW

ander: and what did i see?

ander: none other than polo, valerio and christian HAVING SEX ON THE BED

ander: RIGHT BEFORE MY INNOCENT FUCKING EYES 

omar: I CALLED IT

rebe: IM SCREAMSUXJDJJEEN

rebe: idk what i expected but it wasn’t that

omar: okay one: your eyes are NOT innocent u liar you’ve seen some SHIT

ander: yeah i guess that’s valid 

omar: and two: that does sound lowkey traumatic 

ander: i promise you it gets worse 

rebe: LITERALLY HOW

ander: just you wait

omar: JUST YOU WAIITTTTTTTT

omar: ALEXANDER HAMILTONNNN

ander: omar now is not the time for hamilton references 

omar: excuse me

omar: all the time is the time for hamilton references 

rebe: shhh i wanna know what happened next 

ander: right so 

ander: i was just frozen in place because i was so fucking shocked by what i was seeing 

ander: that i just stood there and... watched

ander: but NOT IN A CREEPY WAY before u all have a go at me 

rebe: let’s be honest it was in a creepy way

ander: die

omar: i want more details 

omar: like what exactly were they doing?

ander: UGH REALLY? 

omar: yes it’s for scientific research 

ander: fine!

ander: can’t believe i’m about to type this 

ander: valerio was fucking polo who was simultaneously giving christian a blowjob 

rebe: suddenly i wish i was jared, 19 

omar: ... 

omar: everyone shut up i’m thinking... 

ander: if you’re trying to picture it, it sounds hotter than it looked 

rebe: ugh men 

ander: lmao innit 

omar: ander... YOU’RE a man? 

ander: oh yeah

ander: anyway let me carry on telling u about my trauma 

omar: hardly trauma but go on 

ander: like i said, i was just stood there watching them because it’s like i literally couldn’t move 

rebe: lmao i bet those three really loved having their privacy invaded like that 

rebe: ftr that was sarcasm 

rebe: because we’ve learned that sarcasm doesn’t come through over texts 

ander: NO HERE’S THE WEIRDEST PART 

ander: the only person who was in my line of eye contact was polo

omar: right, and? 

ander: it took a minute for him to even notice me standing there, but he eventually caught my eyes 

ander: and then... 

omar: SPIT IT OUT!

ander: well... he didn’t scream or freak out or even stop what he was doing

ander: he just... kept his eyes trained on me and... carried on 

omar: NODJDJDJWJ LMFAO SCREAMMSMMXKS

rebe: oh my godJDJDJEKDI 

rebe: i bet that was fun for you

ander: safe to say i wanted to die 

omar: i mean i knew polo was kinky but who knew he was an exhibitionist as well as a voyeur? 

rebe: omar can i ask how you know polo’s a voyeur or do i not want to know? 

omar: guzman told me 

rebe: AND HOW DOES _HE_ KNOW? 

omar: relax it’s okay polo told him 

rebe: WHAT KIND OF CONVERSATION WOULD THAT EVEN COME UP IN? 

ander: hello? guys? back to my nightmare? 

rebe: there’s MORE? 

ander: yeah no not really

ander: i seemed to snap back into reality after that and i got out of there as fast as fucking possible 

ander: the same maid looked really bewildered as i ran at sonic the hedgehog speed out of the house lmao

ander: and now i’m in the street outside polo’s house and talking to u guys 

rebe: god 

omar: well... that was a pretty wild ride 

ander: and i am scarred for life 

ander: i saw some shit i never wanted to see today 

rebe: i can’t wait until the three of them read these messages 

ander: oh god i forgot about that 

omar: they’re gonna FLIPPPPP 

ander: THEY’RE GONNA KILL ME FOR WALKING IN ON THEM FUCK MEEEE

rebe: that’s what u get for just barging into people’s houses without warning 

omar: don’t even bother rebe, it’s gonna take more than this to stop him 

ander: that is very true 

ander: also

ander: valerio and christian, when you see this, i’m sorry, and please find it in your heart not to murder me for walking in on you (polo you’re exempt from this apology because u knew exactly what u were doing u sneaky lil shit) - ander xo

rebe: doomsday is upon you dude 

ander: christ 

-

[12:25pm]

 _‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: oh 

valerio: my

valerio: god 

christian: what did i just read 

valerio: OH MY GOD 

christian: IS THIS REAL

valerio: WHY DIDN’T POLO SAY ANYTHING 

chritsian: I DON’T KNOWICIKEKWS 

valerio: ANDER I AM SO SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE THAT

christian: i’m not 

christian: i mean we probably looked fucking hot 

christian: some people would pay good money to see that shit 

valerio: ...

valerio: yeah u right tbh

valerio: it was probably pretty hot 

valerio: BUT I CAN’T BELIEVE POLO DIDN’T TELL US HE WAS THEREEHDJDJE 

christian: OKAY THAT IS TRUE

christian: polo benavent you owe us an explanation 

valerio: POLOOOOOO 

christian: right that’s it i’m coming to find you 

valerio: babe he’s in the shower 

christian: a little water isn’t gonna stop me 

valerio: oh no you are NOT confronting him without me motherfucker 

christian: come on then, let’s go 

valerio: polo you’re a dead man 

-

[01:03pm]

 _‘the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

ander: lmao looks like it wasn’t me who got in trouble then 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaand scene! i hope you guys enjoyed reading that one. 
> 
> i’m also rlly excited about the next two chapters because i had these hilarious prompts in the comments of the last chapter. usually i don’t rlly take prompts/requests BUT after reading these ones i honestly couldn’t resist because they were GOLD! i’m going to be uploading twice next week, once on saturday and once on sunday, i hope u look forward to that :)
> 
> so, i’ll be seeing u next weekend! take care until then <3


	17. tiktok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guzman discovers tiktok. i think you can guess where this is going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya bbys! 
> 
> i hope you’re all doing well! i saw a friend irl for the first time in about two months today (because bojo said we could meet up with one other person) and i had a rlly good day, i’m feeling super happy :D 
> 
> here’s a new chapter for u! this chap was prompted but i can also relate to it myself, since i used to absolutely despise tiktok and vowed to never download it in my life, yet now i’m just as addicted to it as everyone else. oops. 
> 
> i hope u enjoy <3

[07:45pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: what’s going on gays 

valerio: i’m bored, entertain me 

carla: do you honestly not have anything better to do right now? 

valerio: i can always make time for annoying you x 

carla: choke 

guzman: idk wether i’m being addressed because i’m straight

guzman: but i’m just chilling with nadia 

valerio: cute domestic couple tingz 

carla: sometimes i think you two are the only sane and relatively normal couple out of all of us 

polo: lollll 

christian: i’m scrolling mindlessly through tiktok

valerio: i sent u a rlly funny one go look at it 

christian: val for the last time i told you 

christian: the savage dance isn’t meant to be funny 

valerio: wait... do those people actually think they look _cool_ when they do that dance? 

christian: yes? 

valerio: oh... dear... god... 

valerio: what has this world come to? 

polo: i spend too much time on tiktok it’s actually bad 

carla: same it’s so addictive 

carla: i go on there to look at one thing and BAM

carla: the next thing i know i’ve been on the stupid app for two hours 

valerio: it hooks u in 

valerio: it’s like drugs 

carla: did you just compare tiktok to drugs

valerio: heck yeah i did 

valerio: they’re both addictive and probably bad for u in the long run 

valerio: but it’s fun in the moment 

polo: that’s...

polo: concerning? 

christian: but a really good analogy 

christian: carla i swear you’re lowkey famous on tiktok 

carla: idk what constitutes famous but i have like 1m followers 

polo: WHATTTTTT 

carla: i honestly don’t even know why

valerio: because ur unrealistically pretty and u can dance 

carla: yeah that really is all it takes huh 

polo: watch out guys, we’ve got the next charli dmeickfhcjsia or whatever the fuck her name is on our hands 

christian: charli d’amelio 

valerio: it’s concerning that you know that 

christian: bruh the whole world knows her she’s in the hype house 

valerio: lol we should make a hype house 

valerio: we can call it the gay house 

carla: i’d rather die than join that 

valerio: i hate u

guzman: i don’t understand tiktok 

guzman: it’s so stupid 

valerio: *gasp*

valerio: you take that back right now

polo: i am offended? and angry? 

guzman: it’s overrated

guzman: and it’s not even funny 

carla: and here we have a wild guzman, once again proving that the straights have no taste 

polo: i read that in david attenborough’s voice 

guzman: this is heterophobia

carla: HAHA GOOD ONE

christian: guzman have you ever even used tiktok? 

guzman: no, and i have vowed never to in my life 

valerio: luv ur so boring x 

guzman: no i just don’t want to waste my time looking at stupid videos 

christian: that’s literally what youtube is but okay ig 

carla: it may be a waste of time 

carla: but it’s a good waste of time 

polo: guzman don’t knock it before u try it 

guzman: over my dead body 

guzman: i will NOT give in 

valerio: i dare u to download it 

valerio: prove to us that you won’t get sucked in like we all did 

guzman: lol no why would i do that 

christian: because otherwise we’re gonna clown you about it for the rest of your life 

guzman: u clown me anyway 

polo: true; but this is extra incentive 

guzman: oh ffs FINE 

guzman: i’ll download it, but i will NOT enjoy it 

guzman: for the record, i’m only doing this to shut you lot up

polo: and now we sit back and watch the magic happen 

valerio: or, like the kids say, watch the drugs kick in 

guzman: u guys are crazy

guzman: there’s no way i’m gonna get addicted to tiktok 

-

[09:10pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

nadia: What have you guys done? 

polo: huh? 

nadia: Can someone please explain to me why my boyfriend is dancing to Don’t Start Now by Dua Lipa in the bathroom? 

carla: no. way. 

valerio: HE FUCKIN CRACKED I KNEW HE WOULD 

polo: IMACDEAMXIKEW

christian: NADIA SEND A VIDEO 

nadia: Okay? 

nadia: *video sent* 

christian: THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME OH MY LORD 

valerio: WHY IS HE NOT EVEN A BAD DANCERJCJJFJR

polo: HE KNOWS ALL THE CHOREO 

carla: it really only took a fucking hour huh 

polo: this might be the funniest thing that has ever happened 

nadia: What _is_ happening? 

polo: valerio got him addicted to tiktok 

nadia: Oh great. 

valerio: there’s no saving him now 

valerio: he’s in this shit for life 

guzman: HEY U SAID U WOULDN’T CLOWN ME

valerio: ah the man of the hour 

valerio: sorry guzman but this is too good not to clown u 

christian: we warned u this would happen 

guzman: okay i give up, you win

guzman: you were right it’s too addictive 

carla: HA 

guzman: i’ve fallen in the hole 

valerio: hey, you put up a good fight

valerio: but in the end, you crumbled 

polo: it happens to the best of us 

guzman: i’m a savage

guzman: (ya) 

guzman: classy, boujie, ratchet 

carla: i’m gonna add that to the list of things i never thought guzman would say 

christian: guys we broke him 

polo: he only speaks in tiktok now 

nadia: You guys are laughing but he’s downloaded this TikTok soundboard app as well. 

nadia: I can’t go five minutes without hearing “You like me my Gucci shoes.”

carla: and i’m gonna add _that_ to the list of things i never thought nadia would say 

polo: SHHXKSKSKX I AM SO SORRY

valerio: i’m not this is absolutely hilarious 

guzman: pew pew pew 

polo: PEW PEW PEW

guzman: HOLLUP! 

polo: wait a minute 

guzman: it’s a chopper 

carla: oh god we’ve lost another one

nadia: Polo, no, don’t encourage him.

christian: polo YES DO ENCOURAGE HIM THIS IS SO FUNNY

guzman: and i said 

christian: o h h h h h h h h h h 

polo: I’M BLINDED BY THE LIGHTS

valerio: oh god what have i done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one waS SUCH A LAUGH TO WRITEUFUJD jamming 20193884 tiktok references into one chapter was the most fun thing i’ve ever written. also, this chap was a lil bit shorter than normal because i’m uploading tomorrow as well; i hope u guys don’t mind. 
> 
> i’d just like to take a quick second to thank every single person who has read this fic, left me comments or kudos on fic or just been generally supportive of this fic!! i’m honestly overwhelmed by how much love you guys have given it and i’m really grateful for every single one of you! thank you from the bottom of my heart! 
> 
> anyway, enough of that mushiness, thanks for reading and i’ll see u tomorrow <3


	18. valerio vs makeup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> carla sends valerio a jeffree star makeup tutorial and he attempts to follow it, helped (or not so helped) by the groupchat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey! 
> 
> new chapter alert! this was so much fun to write and i was honestly pissing myself laughing whilst writing it. thank u to the amazing person who prompted this in the comments, it was a brilliant idea! 
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> (also, make sure to check the notes at the end of this chapter, i have an important announcement.)

[04:24pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

ander: what’s up squad 

omar: don’t call us squad ever again 

ander: no promises 

rebe: i’m not vibing rn guys 

carla: aw babe are u okay? 

valerio: what’s up? 

rebe: nothing really lol

rebe: it’s just my skin is WHACK AF at the moment 

rebe: i think wearing makeup is making it worse 

carla: okay i relate 

carla: but you’re still beautiful no matter what bby

rebe: ily

ander: awwwww mY HEART

omar: y’all the cutest couple ever 

valerio: u guys don’t need makeup you’re both beautiful 

rebe: i- 

rebe: that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said 

omar: wait why is that actually so cute🥺

valerio: see i can be a good friend 

ander: so u normally just make an effort to be a douche? 

valerio: NO I AM NOT A DOUCHE 

omar: ander i think you struck a chord 

ander: oopsie 

valerio: >:( 

valerio: but i meant what i said, you guys don’t need to wear makeup to be stunning

carla: aw thanks val

carla: honestly it’s so much effort i don’t even know why i bother 

rebe: for real 

rebe: i could use the extra 45 minutes in the morning to sleep instead 

valerio: HOLLUP

valerio: FOURTY FIVE MINUTES? 

carla: uhhhh, yep? 

rebe: that’s generally how long makeup takes lmao 

omar: i’ve seen enough rupaul’s drag race to know that that’s a fact 

omar: makeup is an _art_

valerio: that’s so LONG, i thought it took like 5 minutes?

carla: FIVE MINUTES 

carla: idk wether to be offended by that? 

valerio: no no i just... it doesn’t look hard? why does it take so long? 

rebe: HA 

valerio: WHAT? i’m just saying makeup looks kinda easy 

rebe: good one valerio 

ander: mate you’re digging yourself a grave here 

omar: and he was doing so WELL earlier, sigh 

valerio: oh come on, how hard can it be? 

carla: i have an idea 

ander: ? 

carla: https://youtu.be/ZotXHXSv5G8

carla: i DARE u to try and follow this makeup tutorial without failing miserably 

omar: nobody: 

omar: jeffree star: hi, h o w a r e y a? 

rebe: a jeffree star tutorial? yikes you’re setting him up for failure

valerio: challenge accepted

valerio: i’m gonna prove you guys wrong 

rebe: sure you are

ander: lol i’m gonna go get some popcorn 

valerio: okay here we go

valerio: ‘how to get a sugar daddy makeup tutorial’ carla are you trying to imply something with the title of this video? 

carla: oh stfu we all know you’d BE the sugar daddy 

valerio: i mean... yeah i’ll take that 

omar: LOL 

ander: valerio where the fuck are you gonna get makeup? 

valerio: i’m gonna loot lu’s bedroom it’s like a fuckin sephora in there 

carla: oooooh he knows what sephora is 

valerio: i don’t live under a rock luv 

rebe: u sure? 

valerio: okay i have all the shit 

valerio: lu is going to go batshit crazy if she catches me using this so let’s get a move on 

carla: right go on then

valerio: okay aaaaaand play video 

valerio: so first he’s putting white stuff on his face 

omar: title of your sex tape 

ander: OMARRRJRJCMDS 

rebe: get ur mind out of the gutter 

valerio: i’m gonna pretend i didn’t read that 

valerio: what the fuck is a beauty blender 

rebe: the sponge thing u mongoose 

valerio: oh yeah okay okay now he’s dabbing his face 

omar: haha dabbing 

ander: it’s 2020 we don’t reference dabbing anymore 

omar: i live in a constant state of 2016 

ander: ew that’s when trump was elected wtf are u doing 

carla: okay val send us an update 

valerio: *photo sent* 

rebe: OH HONEY THAT IS NOT UR SHADE 

carla: you look like you drained all the colour from your face but we move

valerio: right bronzer what is that 

carla: the powder thing 

valerio: THERE ARE LIKE 484893929 POWDER THINGS 

rebe: i told u it was HARD BITCH 

valerio: no i will not give up

ander: yes! persevere, king! 

valerio: how in the love of fuck do i open this 

valerio: why is this literally impossible 

carla: we did warn you 

valerio: never mind i did it you just had to press the little button 

valerio: okay on it goesssss

valerio: aaand done

rebe: pics pls 

valerio: *photo sent*

carla: .

omar: MAN LOOKS LIKE HE HAD A BAD SPRAY TAN PFTTTJJGKC

valerio: FUCK OFFFF

ander: spend too long on the sunbed?

rebe: u need to blend val 

valerio: I DID FUCKING BLEND 

valerio: I GIVE UP I’M MOVING ON

carla: this is so funny 

valerio: don’t laugh i am a profesional makeup person 

valerio: highlighter... does he mean a literal highlighter? 

valerio: there’s a pink one on my desk will that do 

rebe: NO NO NO ABORT 

valerio: ohhhh he means the glittery thing, this is easy 

ander: this whole thing should be its own reality show 

omar: i’d watch the fuck outta that

valerio: okay eyeshadow time ladies 

valerio: oooh he’s doing orange we love

carla: what shade? 

valerio: cheeto dust

valerio: FUCK IT GOT IN MY EYE FUCK ME 

omar: HAHAHAHAHAH

carla: top 10 most painful moments: getting eyeshadow in your eye 

rebe: can relate 

valerio: that was eventful

valerio: but i did it 

rebe: this i have GOT to see

valerio: *photo sent*

ander: okay i know nothing about makeup but that can’t be right

omar: IT LOOKS LIKE U HAVE AN EYE INFECTION IM SCREAMXIXIFK 

rebe: BITCH RUBBED A CHEETO ON HIS EYELID FOR REAL

valerio: omg does it really look that bad? 

carla: yes

rebe: yes

carla: and the eyeliner doesn’t help, it looks like you’re crying black tears 

valerio: honestly it was so frustrating to get right i was about to cry 

rebe: admitting defeat? 

valerio: NEVER 

valerio: okay lipstick 

ander: the final hurdle, here we go bitches 

rebe: one of the trickiest steps tbh 

valerio: and... I’M DONE! 

valerio: let’s do the final reveal 

omar: drumroll please ladies and gentlemen...

ander: 3...

ander: 2... 

ander: 1... 

valerio: *photo sent* 

carla: i shouldn’t laugh but i really want to 

rebe: HAAAAHAHHAHAHAHA

omar: oh 

ander: dear god 

omar: U LOOK LIKE PIETRO FROM ANIMAL CROSSING

valerio: that means nothing to me 

omar: HE’S A LITERAL CLOWN FUCKING GOOGLE IT SJIFJDJEJIW

ander: it looks like you got in a fight with james charles and LOST

omar: SCREAMSMKCICIKE

valerio: wow thanks guys!

carla: we did warn u, makeup is hard

valerio: okay i’ll admit it; makeup is hard 

valerio: u guys win this shit impossible 

valerio: but i’m kinda vibing with my new look tbh 

ander: you know what, if you think you look good, u work it

omar: yesss go on self confidence 

valerio: i’m VIBING! 

carla: i’m glad u have unlocked ur true self val 

carla: but one tip? 

valerio: hm??

carla: please don’t show up to school with your face like that, for the sake of your own dignity 

rebe: HAAAAHAHHSHAHAHAH

valerio: >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we all know that valerio is all talk, he’s actually got no clue how to makeup lmao. 
> 
> so! i have some (bittersweet?) news! idk if this is gonna come as a big shock to you, and i’ve given it a lot of thought: this fic is going to end at the next chapter.
> 
> i’ll take a moment to let u process that :[
> 
> i know that a few of you will probably be disappointed by that, and i really do apologise, but i think 19 is a good number to stop at. the last thing i want is this fic to drag out and feel forced, and i think my inspiration and motivation for writing it is starting to run out :[ 18-19 chapters was the number of chapters i initially set out to write at the beginning, and it just feels right for me to end this there :) 
> 
> so, with that said, the next chapter will b the final one, and i’m going to upload on sunday as usual! i hope the finale chapter will b as funny as it is emotional, and thank u all 4 your continued support throughout the journey of me writing this. i’ll make sure the final chapter is the best damn send off i can give these guys. i love u all so damn much! 
> 
> <33


	19. graduation day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s the day before the gang graduate and it’s just as emotional as you’d expect it to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!
> 
> so, this is it guys! the final chapter. i’m lowkey super emotional and i’ll say everything i want to say in the notes at the end of the chapter, but i really hope you love this last chapter! 
> 
> for the last time, enjoy! <3
> 
> ** for this chapter, i imagine that they’re all graduating at the same time because seriously, fuck canon.

[05:20pm]

_’the gays (+ some non gays hi non gays)’_

valerio: yo isn’t it mad that we’re graduating tomorrow? 

ander: what’s mad is how you and christian even got good enough grades to be able to graduate 

valerio: hey i studied bitch 

valerio: i got straight cs 

ander: cool brag

polo: i forced them to study and it was hell

carla: what a good, responsible boyfriend you are

christian: lol i barely scraped the required grades

christian: but fuck that shit who cares we’re FREE 

rebe: it’s so crazy that we’re all gonna be in different places by next year 

omar: ik it’s gonna be weird

omar: i’m not gonna be left out all the time anymore :D

guzman: i’m so proud of all of us for getting to where we are, we all worked so hard 

guzman: apart from christian 

christian: fuck u! 

polo: so, what’s everyone doing after summer? 

rebe: tbh i can’t believe we haven’t discussed this before now

valerio: i think i’ve talked about it with polo, christian and carla but no one else

guzman: wait... why carla? 

carla: .

carla: do you want to tell them or should i? 

valerio: go on :D

carla: okay you might all call me crazy for this 

carla: but i’m putting val in charge of the winery while i study at uni just outside of madrid

valerio: fuck yeah she is 

guzman: oh dear g o d 

ander: ARE YOU CRAZY

omar: HAAAAAAAAA

ander: YOU’RE GONNA GO BANKRUPT CARLA WYD

rebe: i did warn u 

valerio: u all suck i’m a responsible adult person

omar: yeah, and i’m mermaid who transforms when i touch water 

omar: good one valerio 

valerio: UGH CARLA HELP ME OUT

carla: don’t be too hard on him, i picked him because i trust his business acumen 

rebe: that’s code for ‘he was a good drug dealer’ 

carla: n o 

polo: i think you’re gonna do an amazing job 

valerio: i only love polo now the rest of you can die 

christian: hey 

ander: carla, you’re lowkey insane, but i respect the drip

carla: thank you 

omar: what about you christian? 

christian: me? i’m going into modelling 

ander: oooooooo go on

polo: it’s all thanks to his amazing looks

carla: and the fact that polo’s mum literally owns all magazines ever

polo: i told u not to mention that part

carla: my bad 

guzman: that’s pretty cool though christian

christian: bitch i am cool 

rebe: so one of polo’s boyfriends is gonna be the ceo of an huge winery and the other is gonna be a model?

rebe: mad respect.

polo: thank you

polo: i think?

rebe: so what are you gonna do whilst your boyfriends are doing that? 

polo: oh i’m just gonna go to a local university and study

polo: i wanna stay near val and christian 

ander: that is lowkey cute af doe 

polo: my parents actually wanted me to go abroad to like england or sumn but i firmly told them no 

valerio: ** begged them until they changed their minds

polo: shhhhh don’t expose me

valerio: which christian and i are very grateful for <3 

ander: actually, polo, guzman and i are all going to the same university 

carla: no way

guzman: yeah we all applied for the same one without telling each other 

rebe: that cannot be a coincidence 

guzman: no it actually is lmao 

guzman: but honestly, it was probably the universe’s way of telling us to stay together 

polo: you two aren’t getting rid of me that easily x

ander: oh lord help us 

guzman: anyway rebe, what are you gonna do? 

rebe: i don’t think uni is for me, i’m gonna go do some job internships and start working

omar: aren’t you one of the richest people in the country? 

rebe: yeah, but i want to become something for myself instead of just becoming my mum 

omar: omg yes bitch! 

carla: that’s my girl 

rebe: ilu

guzman: i lowkey respect that 

carla: i think that leaves omar and nadia? 

omar: yes! i’m gonna start working full time at the club until i get promoted and we’ll see what happens next 

omar: who knows, i might study further at some point but i’m not really sure yet. 

rebe: solid plans my dude 

ander: i’m with u every step of the way bb

omar: bitch ily 

guzman: omg i can’t wait for nadia to tell you all where she’s going 

nadia: Why don’t you tell everyone for me? 

guzman: are you sure you want me to do the honours? 

nadia: Of course. 

guzman: okay okay brace yourselves everyone! 

omar: i already know but i’m still excited for y’all to hear

guzman: drumroll please 

valerio: https://youtu.be/C9XMbi5kLgI

guzman: wut? 

polo: DID U JUST SEND US A ROGER TAYLOR DRUM SOLO I AM SO DONE WITH YOUCUDHJDJD

valerio: i’m in love with my car bitch x

omar: THAT’S IT WE’VE HIT PEAK COMEDY 

guzman: okay maybe i laughed 

valerio: omg guzman laughed at my joke 

valerio: what’s next? is it gonna start raining money? 

omar: i hope so

christian: god me too 

guzman: LMAO ANYWAY 

guzman: so... 

guzman: *plays bad drum solo*

guzman: nadia got a scholarship to oxford university in london! 

ander: BITCH NO WAY CONGRATULATIONS 

carla: GO ON GIRL

christian: THAT’S MENTAL

rebe: WOW THAT’S AMAZING NADIA! 

nadia: Aw, thank you guys! 

nadia: I’m so excited but so nervous.

polo: don’t be nervous, you’ll be amazing! 

polo: oxford isn’t ready for you

nadia: This means the world to me, thank you so much everyone. 

nadia: It’s gonna be so tough moving away from you all for so long. 

guzman: i’ll wait for you. you know that.

nadia: I love you. 

guzman: i love you 100x more.

ander: you’re gonna make me cry 

rebe: we’ll be here for you when you get back!

rebe: i hope you’re not too smart to hang out with us when you do come back 

nadia: Never.

nadia: Except maybe for Christian.

christian: okay this is christianphobia

ander: lol rip

valerio: this is mad

valerio: everything is gonna change so much this summer :( 

valerio: on a serious note guys, i’m gonna miss seeing you all the time 

ander: omg val getting serious? what is going on today? 

valerio: die 

valerio: but seriously, it’s not gonna be the same without pissing around with you guys in school all day 

omar: and then you all facetiming me so i don’t miss out on the good bits

carla: it’s gonna be so weird having to make new friends at uni 

carla: i don’t know how i’ll find better friends than you guys 

rebe: man you’re right i’m gonna miss you fuckers so much 

christian: stop i’m sad :( 

polo: i hate this so much 

guzman: hey, no matter what, we’ll still stick together

guzman: at the end of the day, we’ll always have each other 

ander: we always have this groupchat

polo: i promise not to abandon you guys for some other sub-par friends 

ander: i bloody hope not 

carla: i’m gonna be texting you guys every second of the day 

rebe: we all have to promise to stay connected, okay? 

christian: of course. the universe couldn’t pull us apart even if it wanted to

omar: let’s make a vow to never stop talking to each other 

carla: trust me, bonds like the ones we have aren’t gonna fade any time soon 

nadia: I’ll probably miss you so much that I’ll actually text this chat.

omar: now THAT is what i call character development

valerio: i fucking love you all so much 

valerio: i’m so happy we’re friends 

valerio: i couldn’t live without you 

ander: aaaaand i’m crying 

guzman: i love you all too 

polo: fuck the world;

polo: you guys mean the entire galaxy to me

rebe: bitch i love you too

carla: fuck this is so emo

carla: but i agree, you all make my life 100x better 

carla: yeah you may be dysfunctional idiots, but you’re _my_ dysfunctional idiots

christian: i am trying SO HARD not to cry 

nadia: I love you guys so much.

christian: never mind that’s it i’m gone 

ander: look at us? who woulda thought? not me

ander: who knew we could go from making fun of polo for being a bottom to literally crying our eyes out because we love each other so much?

carla: ik :( 

polo: DID U HAVE TO BRING THAT UP 

ander: yes 

valerio: and the moment has been successfully ruined! 

guzman: i’m gonna cry so hard at graduation tomorrow

polo: god me too

carla: this i can’t wait to see 

rebe: i don’t even know why we’re getting so emotional we have the whole summer to hang out and be annoying 

omar: idk it just feels like the end of an era

omar: but you’re right. we’re gonna make this graduation and this summer our bitch 

christian: damn right we are

valerio: i have an idea 

ander: uh oh 

valerio: on three, we all shout ‘go gays!’ to symbolise our unity 

rebe: bitch this is a whatsapp chat 

valerio: okay let’s all _type_ ‘go gays!’ instead

valerio: same shit

guzman: i am **not** doing that 

carla: COME ON GUZMAN

polo: it’s the end of an era don’t be a spoilsport 

guzman: ... 

valerio: okay, on three:

valerio: one

valerio: two

valerio: THREE

valerio: go gays! 

polo: go gays! 

christian: go gays! 

ander: go gays! 

omar: go gays! 

carla: go gays! 

rebe: go gays! 

nadia: Go gays! 

guzman: ... 

polo: come on guzman🥺

guzman: ... 

guzman: fine.

guzman: go gays!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaand scene<3!! 
> 
> i can’t believe this is it! it’s over! i was literally about to cry whilst writing this chapter. this may have started out as just a stupid chatfic that i wrote for a bit of a laugh, but it’s evolved into something that i really, really love and have an emotional connection to? 
> 
> i want to say thank you to EVERYONE who’s given this fic a chance, i never expected it to get the amount of attention it’s gotten when i started writing it, and it’s all thanks to you guys that that was possible. i’m really glad i could make you laugh! 
> 
> to all the people who left me comments and kudos- thank you, from the bottom of my heart. you were my motivation, you always said the nicest things and you also gave me some really hilarious ideas! thank u thank u thank u! 
> 
> i wanna give a special thank you to my bby @loudtaurus for being my source of encouragement ever since i started to draft this fic and for hyping me up every sunday. i love u! 
> 
> in terms of a sequel to this fic, i’m not planning on writing one. i know that elite just got renewed for a s4, but with three of my favourite characters no longer in the show, i’m honestly not gonna be that interested in watching it. s1-3 will always hold a special place in my heart, but i really don’t think i’m gonna be able to enjoy s4. then again, who knows? maybe in the future i will pick this series back up. only time will tell. 
> 
> once again, thank u guys for all the love you’ve poured into my stupid little fic, i love you all so fucking much! 
> 
> \- e <33
> 
> edit 20/07/20 - omg so i just saw the first teasers for s4 and OH MY GOD?? MANU RIOS IS JOINING THE CAST?? plus the new female characters are so hot?? remember when i said i wasn’t gonna watch s4? yh me neither✨


End file.
